Headshrinker

Chapter 4

Not having sex with Guigsy and thinking about not having sex with Guigsy was making me frustrated. I should've known I was pushing him too hard for something I had to be patient with. It felt like I was wasting time and the clock was ticking. I kept having baby dreams and they were so intense. I'd never had dreams that were so vivid before.

Every dream I had I was heavily pregnant or had a really young baby. The babies were my little boy or my little girl, they had names, I was caring for them as their mother. It was so painful to realise it wasn't real every time I woke up. I felt the grief of losing them. It made me feel desperately alone.

I wasted away lectures, not taking notes, not listening at all. I realised I didn't even know what the lecture had been about when I was walking out. All I'd thought about was the dreams, trying to recall and hold onto every last detail. Holding a baby of my own in my arms was all I wanted. I was in a fantasy land where it was real.

Guigsy must have found out what I was trying to achieve, figured it out. There wasn't any other reason why he wouldn't want it. I kept looking into my future but it was also making me look back into our past too.

When I got back to my flat from my morning at uni no one else was in, except the rats. They were climbing their cage when I got to them. I asked them in a baby voice if they wanted to come out for a bit.

Debbie wouldn't mind. I wouldn't let them go anywhere or let anything happen to them. The both of them let me pick them up so easily and didn't mind me taking them over to the sofa and getting comfy before I could put them down. I guess we'd already bonded because I always at least talked to them when I went past.

"What would you two think to having a baby around next year?" I asked them.

I had no idea if they'd be around next year. It all depended on where we were going to rent and if Debbie was going to be coming along with us. I'd only just started getting to know them but I knew I'd miss them when they were gone.

"I could be pregnant right now." I told them as I watched them sniff around, sat on my belly.

The idea made me smile but it made me anxious too. "I'm scared I'll lose my best friend over this when I've only just got him back but I really, really, really want a baby."

"He'll understand in the end, he wants what's best for me, he'll get it."

I looked back at when we became friends, where it all began. It was the summer five years ago. He was Bonehead's friend, as was Tony so we saw each other when they visited. When I greeted Guigsy things got more and more friendly so we started getting together without my brother being involved.

There was something so sweet about him, he was kind and goofy. He liked me and wanted to be my friend at a time when I was having a lot of difficulties socially.

At sixth form I'd focused so hard on studying that I didn't have time for making friends. I just wanted the grades for university, nothing else. I hardly knew anyone, even the people I'd been close to at school felt distant to me and I didn't want to bring them back. I didn't want friends.

Guigsy convinced me that the summer was for relaxing and having fun otherwise I would've wasted it, hidden in a mountain of history books. Things weren't much different at university. I'd worked too hard for things like freshers, friends and going out. I cut out everything that I didn't think would matter in the long run, after graduation, after five years, after whenever down the line.

Guigsy for that one year was the biggest relief from all of the pressure I was putting on myself to become an adult who's been through university and has at least the step on the right career ladder. With him, none of that stuff mattered. He wasn't in education, his job was just his job, he had his music and he was great with his guitar but he didn't really think it was going to go anywhere.

Once we went from talking to hanging out I didn't really want to do anything else but be with him, especially since it was all behind Bonehead's back because he would not be happy with us spending so much time together.

I started thinking about the first time we smoked weed together. I knew he and Bonehead did it. I knew Bonehead's other friends did it and other drugs. I felt naughty when Guis' asked if I wanted to try it. It was against the law and I wasn't a troublemaker at all, after I'd done it it didn't feel like something that should be at all illegal. It was awkward trying to smoke when I didn't know what I was doing and he did. I got into the rhythm of smoking we chilled and chatted about shit for ages. It was what we did anyway but it was like we were bonding on a whole other level.

"You look like you've got twins." Debbie commented, interrupting my reminiscing.

I didn't know if it was because I'd been thinking about it or what but she actually smelled a bit like weed. She had seminars she'd just gotten back from, I knew she wouldn't skip out n them just to do that so I didn't ask.

"Oh." I kind of laughed, looking at the rats, sleeping on my belly. "I'd hope my babies had more hair than them."

I didn't know when they'd gone to sleep. I guess they'd just wanted to use me as a pillow and steal my body heat rather than trying to explore anything. I was almost napping myself.

"Bald babies can be really cute though, like little old men."

"You've got a weird definition of cute." I got up and put Ratatouille and Lasagna back in their cage. "I need to catch up on some work, what're you doing?"

"I'm gonna grab some food and get ready to go to my mates for pre drinks. Wanna come? She won't mind. We're going to..."

"No, no thanks, I'm really behind on this assignment and it's due in a few days."

I really wasn't. I did need to work on it but there was no way I'd have an assignment I still needed to finish that close to the deadline. Even with my distractions, that wasn't me.

"Alright, you go live in the past. I'll be quiet when I get in."

"See ya tomorrow." I went off to my room, put some music on and started writing.

The problem with having the music on was that it reminded me of Guigsy and the rest of their band. It just made me want to be with them. They could need me to play something on the keyboard. Noel wasn't going to be impressed because I wasn't getting the practice in at all since I wasn't going to the Boardwalk.

Like we agreed ma and Guigsy were seeing each other completely away from his band.but it was hard to find the time because he gave so much of it to them and he had work and I had uni. We still had Doctor Who, of course that was one commitment that we were sticking to together every week. It would be so much easier if they'd scheduled it more often for us or we shared other shows and then we'd have that excuse to be together.

Debbie was distracting me too. She wasn't making much noise cooking but the fan was annoying and every noise she did make with the pans and stuff disturbed me for a second each time I heard it. I started smelling it too, it was making me curious and hungry. I really didn't want to go and join her since I much prefer cooking and eating without anyone else around. Obviously I didn't want her to think I'd just rejected her invitation either and wasn't working on my assignment at all.

I stayed in my seat and kept trying to write. If I didn't get the grade I needed for this assignment it'd only set me back and I really didn't need that if I was going to have a baby in the third year. I had to focus and move on to the next one when it was submitted just like I had done for the first year and last term before I let the baby dreams turn into something I was pursuing in reality.

Author Note- I had all week to write this, had the ideas and everything early on but just didn't want to do the  typing, saved it for the last hour of today!

 I tried to have Kassidy look back like how they look back and everything in the past seem so heavily inform the present in This is Us but at the same time I was like I don't know how much I want to reveal of their past and of course I don't want t look back further into their childhoods or anything. It's also made me feel like nothing happened in this chapter since nothing really happened in the present.

Noel's youtube posted like three versions of one song this week still not clicked on any of them!