should i be here | bts.

| 11 |

I just wanted to leave. I don't want to be here anymore. I have no intentions of coming back for a long time.

As we were walking out the room I kept trying to psych myself up to go back home and practice and do everything with the band again. I kept telling myself 'You get to go to your room and sleep for a couple of hours, and everything will get back to normal again, no more threats, no more people throwing my mind against a wall.' It wasn't helping. I just didn't want to fall back into my dark hole of depression and just spending time alone 95% of the time.

I sat on the floor next to the elevator at 4:50 listening to lo-fi hip-hop, with my head leaning on the wall, waiting for the boys to come down the hall. At 4:58 they had finally started down the hall. I stood up and cleaned up my mess of bags. I stood up and looked at them with a not-so-reassuring smile that I am going to be okay after all. No one is going to hurt me as long as I'm being supervised.

We got down into the lobby after a silent elevator ride. It was either everyone had nothing to say or we're tired. Fans were waiting for us, reporters, fansites, everything. I just pushed myself into the safety of V-hyung's side, dragging my bags behind me. 

When we got into the car, I was silent the entire ride to the airport. The first thing I had said the entire ride was: "How long do you think it is until we're home?" I was bland with how I was talking and not in the best mood. We had finally gotten to the airport and we were rushed to the plane because of how many people had shown up just watch us get onto a plane. It was only 5:40 and we were already on the plane. I took out my sketchbook and started sketching how I was feeling: Depressed but surrounded by happiness and stress. This person looked similar to me by her hair and a bit of her body type. She was sitting against a wall of stress but little things that made her happy were with her, but the room was dark and cold.

I became not aware that I was sitting next to a complete stranger and they appeared to be rude during this trip. I had my sketchbook on my armrest to try and get better light for shading my drawing, but he had the audacity to spill his drink all over my book and me, I gasped and Taehyung poked his head over behind my seat. I stood up and walked past the rude man and went to the bathroom. I cried as I patted my clothes dry of wine. These clothes are now stained and look like I'm on my period. Great. I took my sweatshirt off and wrapped it around my waist and brushed my hand through my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. I'm a mess. I decided just to put my hair in a ponytail. When I get home, I'm having a stylist cut most of it off even if it's mid-way on my back, I'm going to get it cut to my shoulders and straighten it.

I walked out of the bathroom and asked the flight attendant if I could switch spots with the slim man sitting with Tae, and she politely nodded and had the man move to where I was sitting. I sat next to V-hyung in the seat to his right.

"What's wrong?" Tae asked. I kind of shrugged because I didn't want to throw all of my problems onto him.

"You know I know you're lying right?"

"Maybe you do, maybe you don't." I was pulling out my headphones from my pocket.

"I know you're lying. Tell me or throw yourself against a wall." He turned forward into his seat and I took it into interpretation of what he was saying.

"Fine. I'm stressing about the threat, and I don't feel like myself when I think about it, and it keeps crossing my mind if I should be here." I didn't want to tell him that I was going to try and meet everyone's expectations of a girl being in what is a boy group. So I didn't tell him.

"Y/n, you know you should be here, just the haters are getting to you. Don't let them." I nodded and leaned back into my seat.

"Thank you," I said as I put my headphones in. I fell asleep for the next hour of the flight. When we had landed at LAX, much more fans were there than the first time, they made a circle again, leaving me out, I just decided to go under, even with all of my bags, I still managed. I stayed in the back and went to go near a fan that called me over.