He's gonna break you, but you love him anyways.
If someone would look at me right now, that someone might feel disgusted, or even worse. I look pathetic, I am pathetic. Lying down on the floor, I held on to the carpet tight as if it was the only thing I had left. I'm all messed up, everything's broken. I feel alone in the dark, no one's daring to reach out. Unremembered, unnoticed.
Beside me are bottles of liquor, I've lost count on how many. Some still stood up, others are freely lying down into broken pieces, just like me. I lay there, on the cold tiles, feeling so numb, so dumb, so broken. It was silent, except for David Cook's voice on the radio, singing Always Be My Baby.
I'm wearing his shirt, his oversized shirt. The subtle scent in this piece of linen is slowly consuming me, taking all of me one by one. I was relishing the agony of this unfathomable torture. It was unimaginable, it was beyond my tolerance for pain. I slowly closed my eyes as tears continue flowing down to the cold tiles from my now-swollen eyes. The pain has conquered my body, and is now entering my soul.
Pictures in my mind flashed as I kept my body still and my eyes closed--images of his laughter, his perfect face, and his sweet smile. And then there I was, like the first time, walking through the busy streets. The thunder growled, and there I knew it's gonna pour.
I started to walk in a faster speed, trying to find for a cab. I held on to my folders as a smile lit upon my face upon seeing what I just need. Little by little, as I progressed on my walk, the rain poured. I can feel the cold water dripping on my skin. I have no other choice but to run. The crowd gets fewer, everybody else was running. I need to reach that cab.
But when I opened the backdoor, he opened the other side. That's the first time I had a glimpse of him. that's the first time I saw how the colors danced in his eyes. I heard music, and saw fireworks. Suddenly, the rain was gone. The cab was out of sight, there were just the two of us. He smiled at me, and I swear I saw the universe in his smile.
The taxi driver yelled at us, snapping me out of my reverie. He chuckled a sexy chuckle and went inside the cab. I thought he's gonna leave me there dumbfounded. I felt a sudden flinch in my chest; he's gonna get the cab that was first mine. I was taken aback when he then offered his hands, smiling sweetly.
"I hope you don't mind sharing." He said. His voice... It was the sweetest yet the most manly voice I've ever heard. I felt drunk just upon hearing his voice. I gladly obliged. I slowly put my palms upon his and went inside, closed the door. He removed his hand from mine, and all I can do was to pout.
The driver asked us the location, then again, he looked at me with those tantalizing eyes-- the eyes that would make anyone fall.
"9th district." I cleared my throat, trying to mask up my emotions and not to get myself embarrassed.
"Are you kidding?" He chuckled again "That's where I live, too!"
It all began there. Our apartments were from the same building. Since i just moved here last week, I never really knew anyone. But he was there to assist me, to guide me, and as he was doing so, he was also guiding me towards his heart. I never really noticed how, or when, but it was too late when I found out i have fallen for him.
We talked to each other everyday, we became best of friends. Who would have thought? From deep inside I was expecting he would actually feel something for me. That he was somehow attracted to me.
I woke up one morning from the aroma of bacon. He was that sweet, he'd regularly go to my apartment and cook something for me. He knows my schedule at work, and he practically knows almost everything about me. He never forgot my birthday, when everybody else does. I was just surprised that day seeing a cake and wine on my dining table, and there he was, sitting cross-legged on the breakfast counter, looking intently at me with the same tantalizing eyes.
He respected me. I'd usually roam around my apartment only in robe, but he didn't do anything that would make me feel upset. I even forgot, one day, closing the door of my shower room, but his respect for me stayed. He values our friendship more than earthly desire. I loved every inch of treatment. I loved his attention, I loved everything about him.
I was afraid of becoming dependent, i did not want to get used to the way he treated me especially because we were just friends. I never wanted to think like there was some sort of a special treatment happening between us. But who am I to control my emotions? i continued to assume, to hope, that something is happening between us. That someday he's gonna confess, and all I have to do was wait.
I smiled at the thought as I watched him from afar. I was wearing his oversized shirt, and he's half-naked. He fits perfectly at my bed, sleeping soundlessly. He's the definition of perfect. I continued checking out on him as little snore came out from his perfect mouth, his lips parted a bit, and his eyes closed. He looks like an angel, like a baby wanting to be nursed. His hair, oh his goddamned hair, I've always been dying to run my hands through his dark brown hair.
This is our friendship-- others are usually mistaken by our relationship. They would always say we look happily perfect together, but he would immediately chuckle and say that we're just friends. Deep inside, it was a pang in my heart. We were just friends, it's a big slap of reminder to me.
I almost jumped as he opened his eyes, half-awake.
"What are you doing there?" He smiled at me and closed his eyes again. He tapped the side of the bed "Come on, let's sleep."
I heaved out a sigh as I made my way through him. We were this close yet still so far. Yes, he'd usually sleep here with me, and it was okay the first time. But now, I can feel my emotions getting intense, i am slowly drowning in his charm. Yet, I can feel a great wall in between us, repeatedly reminding me of what we are-- just friends.
He hugged me tight as I lay beside him. I kept still, aware of the raging feelings in me. My mind and heart argued, and I felt like I was somehow breaking down. I can feel the electricity running through my veins. I couldn't hold it. This won't do. I wanna feel him, I know this might sound desperate but I want him now.
My heart won the argument, thus I slowly draped my arms unto his musculine body. i held him tighter, pouring every emotion I have in that simple hug, wanting the same affection, wanting him to feel the same.
"I like you, Ivan." I started. Seconds passed, minutes. No response. i started to get the feeling of regretting my confession for i have no idea if he heard and ignored it, or the other way around. Then, I decided to just shut up and cherish this time that he's with me. What we have, whether it may just be a friendship, is enough for me.
Hell, I even introduced him to my family. Mom and dad, even Kuya. We were perfect, we could've been perfect.
I opened my eyes with the vibration of my phone. I was taken back from reality, the bitter reality that here I am once again, broken, alone, devastated. My heart pounded so fast as if it wanted to sprung free. The pain, once again, conquered me and I didn't do anything about it. I let it happen, as I saw his picture on my phone. He's calling me, and with all the might i have left, I answered it after clearing my throat with all the hint of sadness.
"Hey." I tried to be as happy, but failed. Because though I mask myself up, I'd still breakdown by just the sound of his voice lingering on my head.
"I've been trying to contact you, Kaye. I'm worried. I'm with your brother and he's worried, too."
Without saying a word, I ended the call. I could not bear the pain brought about by his mere voice. There are just things in this world, that no matter how much I fight for, it's still not meant to happen. No matter how much I wanted to, things will still fall the way it is supposed to be.
There are words meant to be unspoken, truth meant to be unrevealed. That's the way it's supposed to be, I'll forever love him from afar, and watch him love somebody else. I'll be forever helpless, as they continue their lives loving each other. He loves my Kuya, and who am I to intervene?
He's my prince, but I'm not his princess. Because like me, he needs a prince, too.
