The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 9

The day. 168 Days to go.
Tuesday May 15th, 2018
Nobody knows where I am right now.
1:03 am
I know I'll see him in a few hours but reality has sunk in. In a few hours it'll be goodbye. Today is the day I've been dreading. Today is the fucking Day! I just want the time to stop. The tears are here. I dont want them. I know why they are here.
8:37 am
Looking for him in a sea of marines is like finding a needle in a haystack it's going to take awhile. Watching him walk upto me was everything I needed in that moment. It was hard to hold back and not attack him in that moment. I needed him to know how hard this was for me. I needed him to know how much my heart was breaking. I know he knew bit fuck. This was far from easy. This was the biggest heartbreak I had ever endured. My heart was aching. Every time I touched him or looked at him it was real. That damn uniform made it real. I wanted time to slow down. I wanted to keep him for myself. I felt sick. I hadn't eaten anything and yet I just wanted to hurl. My heart couldn't taken this. I felt like I was suffocating. I guess in that moment the pain and the reality hadn't struck me. Sitting with him made it ok. It was me and him. I could touch him. He had this buddy. He was annoying. He lit a spark in me and no matter how hard I tried my Latina side came out and lord knows if I wasn't standing on land owned by the government in front of a bunch of military people I would have slapped that stupid smirk off his stupid face. But it's ok. In a sense it's comforting to know he has people who will be there and who will take care of him. I needed him like I needed the air I breathe. Sitting there waiting it never felt like time flew by so fast ever before in my life. The time had come. He had to go. I wanted 5 more minutes. No i needed 5 more fucking minutes. I wanted to hug him. I needed to just hold on but I couldn't make a scene. I had to be strong. But as soon as he was out of hearing distance I broke. The gate had been opened and the tears fell. I couldnt do this. I literally had to watch the man I love march away from me and climb aboard a stupid white bus and leave. I had to just let him walk away. I dont care how you fucking swung it. 5 months without him was far too long. I didn't care where he was going. It was never ever about that. It was always the distance. The time. The length of this stupid ass deployment. Driving away I had to swallow the pain and the reality and accept this. That was hard.

3:13 pm
Pain. That's all I felt. I was far from ok. My tears had yet to stop from the moment I pulled his t-shirt over my head because I spilled coffee on my own. Getting off the train in Riverside was something else. As my foot felt the concrete underneath me, my mind went into a panic. My heart started beating faster. I felt my knees buckle and i crashed to the floor. I felt like someone had just knocked the wind out of me. I saw black spots in my vision. Reality had finally sunk in. This was real. You want to know pain? Pain is knowing that the love of your life is 25 fucking minutes away from you and not being able to a damn thing about it. Not being able to talk to him. Not being able to go see him. I was officially hysterical. My heart was beating way too fast. My eyes were way to blurry. My legs shaky. My mind was mush. I couldn't focus. My mind could only focus on the lump in my throat I couldn't swallow. I no longer felt the need to do anything. Trying to control my breaths was a mission. God it was a fucking mission. I had already had 4 people ask me if I was ok. I couldn't do it. I wanted to scream but nothing came out other than my sobs. I saw people look at me with pity. I saw people look at me in horror as I walked down the street sobbing and clutching a soft baby blue blanket that smelled like laundry soap and him. I was just trying to get home. I just wanted to lay in my bed and go to sleep. I wanted to wake up and have him right next to me and have this all be a horrifying dream. This wasn't real. I didn't want it to be. I couldn't stop thinking about my last few moments with him. I was in a cloud of memories and they were all of him. Of us. How did people do this and just be Ok? No one understood my pain at the moment. Sure his mother would miss him but she loved him as a son. This was the love of my life. My reason to live and breathe. My salvation from the insanity that my life was wrapped in. The light in my world of complete and utter darkness. I couldn't do it. This man was my fucking everything. The pain was too much.
As I was going home. I saw an IHOP and it just made me think of his unhealthy in session with their pancakes and our late night pancake conversation. I saw the stupid marine corps recruiting office and i lost it all over again. I saw the stupid Michael's that caused us so many damn problems. I saw the street that always led us either to my house or his. I saw a stupid car that looked ridiculously similar to his. I saw the stupid pool where we spent not so many days ago splashing in. I saw the giant ass bear that was bigger than me that he gave me. I saw the little brick area where he sat the first time I told him I loved him. I saw the lion he bought me our first time at castle park. I saw a stupid golf ball that reminded me of just a few weeks ago when we spent the night golfing and i got injured twice. Everything reminded me of him.
Laying in my bed I was finding it hard to do anything other than feel nauseous. It was already past 4 and i had yet to eat any thing. I literally couldn't. I was sick and i had nothing to tell me why. It was him it was this situation and i knew that but I couldn't tell him that. He would lose it. Getting to talk to him even if it was for just a few moments was a highlight of my day. I hate the silence though. It's an indescribable feeling not being able to speak to someone you love. So I lay here in silence, wrapped in his blanket with his shirt on praying that this makes it better. I have yet to stop the tears fully I mean. Like I stop crying for a little and then they come back and I'm a gonner all over again. I just wish he was here in my arms. I wouldn't even care if he was on base because at least I know that he was right there instead of being in the skies deploying thousands of miles away from me. 6,457 miles to be exact. Fuck my life. He's left now. On a plane to Alaska. The start of his very long journey begins or well it began 2 hours 36 minutes and 47 seconds ago but that's besides the point. I wonder if he has cried at all today or if he'll cry at all throughout this deployment. I wonder if he's read my letter yet. I wonder if he's listening to music or if he's just asleep. I wonder if he'll remember to take pictures in Japan for me because he knows I've always wanted to go. I wonder if he'll come back with more tattoos. I wonder if he'll be happy or if he's going to drink his deployment away. I wonder if he'll come back ripped because all he did was work out all day. I have so many questions and he hasn't even reached Japan yet. Very few people know he's gone and I'd like to keep it that way. At least for now. I dont need to be questioned every few minutes because people are worried.

So he finally made it! We were talking as i typed this and so far none of my questions have been answered. Anyways until tomorrow. Goodnight.

Days gone: 1