My Life As The Oldest Sibling

High School Life

In freshman year, I finally had the courage to talk to one of my best friends, like a deep conversation. We talked about when and why I started self-harming and how I should try to stop. it took awhile before I took her words into consideration. Gradually, my once every night rourtine of cutting deep enogh to have a blood trail running down my arm formed to a once a week routine then to a once a month, then I eventually stopped all together with a couple of slip ups. My best friend was happy about it, it made me happy tp have someone proud of me, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I belonged and felt that I had people that want me around and enjoyed having me there. I had friends that had the same intrests as me. As high school flew by, I had things happen to me that casued me to feel like I had in middle school. I eventually started self-harming again every other week or month. I also turned to rock and heavy metal to relax my mind adn control my feelings. I started to write or type how my week went into a notebook and notes on my phone, I had alot of notes. It helped a bit to control my depression. I can't recall if it was my freshmen or sophamore year that I found out that my elementary best freind had died from the same thing that almost killed me. In jounior year of high school, I decided and had planed to end it all once and for all once I turned eighteen. I planed that I would have a job by then to have money to get the things I needed for a painless and somewhat quick suicide. I was going to use helium, it makes you pass out and eventually you will die shortly after with the lack of oxygen in your blood streem. Now, hear me out. I am not telling people that suicide is a answer to your life problems, suicide is a permanite solution to a temporary problem never turn to ending your life over something that can be solved a different way. It is just, at that time and still some days now, that I felt that there was no reason for me to continue with life, I convinced myself that no one really liked me adn thay were faking to be nice to me. Back to the story. I only need about $110 to complete this. I started writing letters to my best friend, my parents, my sister, and one letter to the rest of my family. I explained why i did( the letters were for after they found my body and was looking around my room) what i did, and how it was not certain peoples faults. I told my best friend how much she ment to me and that she had nothing to do with my death and to forget me. My parents' letter was to explain that since my sister was born ,I have felt like I was not wanted and then with me gone, they would have more money, and didn't have to worry about having to deal with two kids. The letter to the rest of my family or if someone else found me was to have each letter read out at my funeral and that I have felt like I was not wanted for so long that no one would of changed my mind, and how it was because I was pushed aside so much that I was doing them all a favor. I rewrittened the letter two or three times and hide them until the time was right. I eventually got a new phone and all my notes on the old one were deleted. I've written a small note about my life on my phone, ill put it up next as well as a small suicide note also. i post poned my suicide because my paretns wanted me to stay home and watch my sister instead of geting a job.