Behind The Scenes: Book Two || Jihope

XIX: The Story Pt. 2

The house they were staying at grew quieter as the night became darker. Hoseok didn't know what time it was but he was sure it had gotten late. The members had obviously already retired to sleep while Jimin tenderly crawled towards him and took refugee tangled in his arms. Hobi pressed Jimin against his chest, trying to provide the safety the younger was looking for. With a soft move, Jimin clinged further onto him as Hoseok softly delivered a kiss to his golden hair.

Just like he had predicted, Jimin had sought for the safety of his arms once he had felt ready. Or just not strong enough to go on without any kind of support. Hoseok had never heard any of this since Jimin was usually a cheerful person. He never knew how many secrets that wonderful smile hid. "We can stop talking if you are sleepy" Hobi told Jimin who had now adopted a very comfortable position with his head lying on Hobi's shoulder and his smaller body tightly pressed against the older's chest. Jimin looked like he would fall asleep anytime soon.

Still, the younger just moved his head in denial. "Trying to be liked by people is difficult, hyung" he spoke with a low tone. "I know" Hobi replied, his mind being filled by all the negative comments he had received from the public years ago. It had not always been the way it was now, there was a time when there were more people dissing than supporting them. He was sure Jimin was speaking about that same period of time.

"It happened so fast" Jimin spoke, taking Hobi back to the present. "I didn't even notice when exactly I started to feel bad about being myself" he went on...

***

Too short. Too thick. Too unexperienced. Those were the words that would not leave Jimin's mind every single time he looked at himself in the mirror. All the confidence he had had upon their debut had vanished after having seen how the public reacted to him. To say that he was not the favorite in the group was a bit of an understatement. Jimin had never doubted himself so much. But after having heard those mean words so many times, he started to believe them.

He never wanted to feel like he was a burden in the life of his members or their crew. A feeling that got even worse whenever he found himself arguing with any of his teammates. Of course, one can not expect to completely get along with complete strangers in a matter of weeks, specially when they didn't have a lot of space or time for themselves. 

Jimin always displayed a smile, no matter how much he was hurting. He always listened if one the members needed to talk. More than a few times he had found Taehyung crying his eyes out in the bathroom. This because, Tae was usually the one who got scolded by their hyungs the most. Despite his looks, Tae had a fragile heart and Jimin couldn't bear to see him in pain. It was exactly the same with the other five. He had been there when Kookie hurt his foot, when Yoongi's parents called him a disgrace and when Jin was called fat. He had always been there. Jimin, however, found it really hard to be there for himself. That's why he allowed his own feelings to damage. His self-esteem to sink and his confidence to slowly disappear until there was almost nothing left of any of them. Soon, he found himself believing every single comment he read about himself. He being fat, his face being too round, his cheeks being too full, his voice being weak, his dancing being bad and his body being thick. Jimin believed it all.

There was a point when Jimin didn't like anything about himself, but instead of just crying, he decided to do something about it. Looking online for strict diets and exercise routines were the first steps he took. It was good that the members didn't have a lot to eat back then and that Jin had been put under a chicken breast diet for months. By the time they did their first comeback, Jimin had lost around nine kilograms. He was proud. That's why he continued dieting and doing exercises when the members or the managers were not around to see him. 

***

"Why? Were you afraid that we would be mad at you if we found out?" Hobi asked upon hearing the only part of Jimin's story that he knew a little bit about. Jimin nodded. "I didn't want to disappoint any of you. Specially not you, hyung" the younger answered with a calm voice. "I didn't know about your feelings then, but I could see that you would always leave everything behind if it was for me. You would carry me around like a koala when my legs got cramps from not having eaten even though I always told you that I was just tired" he went on. A hole forming in Hoseok's chest upon hearing the truth behind the times he had carried Jimin around. Times that until now, he believed were nothing but cute games. "You would stay up until I fell asleep and you would never be mean to me. You'd even defend me from our other members when I had done something wrong. For a while, I would only for you when in need...until I found a stronger antidote against my emotional state" Jimin continued, now looking down. Not only reflecting defeat but a lot of guilt.