Blue-Black

February 2017

Alex

Blue-black. That's all Andri would say when I asked her how she felt.

It didn't make any sense. What did it mean? I tried to get through to her in her last days, but so often her eyes were glazed over, staring into some unseen distance that she could never reach. When she did speak, it would be murmured one-word answers. Sometimes she would turn those icy blue eyes that I had first fallen in love with on me, piercing me to my core, and just stare, as if she was searching for something in me.

I could still remember the times we shared before the Blue-Black. She was so happy. Sometimes I would remind her of those times. She would describe them as yellow-pink, and even red-black. When she recalled those memories, she would often call them swirled lollipop memories. "They were sugary at the time... but now it's all sickly sweet on my tongue," she would say.

Talking about us before the Blue-Black seemed to bring a little clarity to her expression. She even focused on me once or twice during those conversations. That millisecond of eye contact would be enough to get me through the next few days.

The importance of simple eye contact made me realize how much I loved her, maybe too much for my own good sometimes. I wanted the old Andri back, but I'd learned long before she left that my Andri was gone. All that was left in her place was a tortured shell of empty eyes and trembling hands.

She used to go to a therapist, but sometimes I think that's what pushed her over the edge. She knew she was falling, and she seemed to let herself sink into the thick black waves of darkness as they washed over her. I feel personally responsible for that because I was the one who pushed her to go into therapy. As she would say, I'm feeling "orange-black, and just a little blue." I didn't really know what that meant, but every day I come closer to understanding her beautiful mind.