Flawed

Saturday, May 19 - 2018

               Whenever I look out the window here, it's always some kind of green. Even covered with snow, that Massachusetts green is still sprouting like a big ugly weed. Living in a small town is tricky; feelings and opinions become intense, because there's only so many people who can listen. Chelmsford is like this: Small-ish, opinionated, and private. Unlike some towns, everyone keeps to themselves most of the time, including my family. My sister is passive-aggressive, Mom is always worrying about some thing or another, and Dad is quiet. And me? I’m the one who’s always got to be happy for some reason. My sister, Abbie, told me that I shouldn’t act like a comic relief character. That stings.

Putting on a mask is liberating, and being anyone but myself feels like freedom. Late at night I take it off, so I don’t completely suffocate in my own misery. I don’t have an emotionally scarring backstory, I’m just sad for the sake of being sad. All of this sounds rather angsty and depressing, not to mention self-deprecating, but bear with me. This isn’t a diary where I’ll put my hopes and dreams, you’re not going to find any warm and fuzzy feelings here. I might get there eventually, someday, but for now, this is all I’ve got to write.

I don’t know how I feel about other people reading this. I keep making up excuses in my head of all the reasons I want to publish my writing. To be famous nah, not my thing. To help others by sharing my experience nope, considered it at one point, but why would I want to do that? This is some personal shit right here, I don’t even know what I’m thinking anyway. All noble excuses aside, the reason I’m doing this is nothing special.

I’m writing for myself, and for no other reason than that. This is for no one’s benefit but my own. I want to say that I couldn’t give less of a fuck if anyone sees this, but it wouldn’t be true. I do, I give so many fucks that if would blow your mind-hole. This is the beginning, this is real. An up to date play-by-play of my life, such as it is.

Enjoy it or not, here I come.