shooting star

prologue ✔️

note: the checkmark next to the chapter title mean it's been edited. so for all new readers, welcome! but maybe only read the edited chapter, for now, otherwise, things might get confusing because I did change a lot. and for the people that already read the first draft, I recommend reading the edited version because once I start with the new chapter you might not be able to follow otherwise. I hope you like it!!

I look around my room trying to figure out where to go when two hands start pushing me out the door, towards the bathroom. 

I look over my shoulder and find Julie smiling at me, though her eyes don't mimic her face. There's something in them that I can't explain but how could I, I'm only five. 

Her hands rest on my bare shoulders as we make our way down the hall.
I should get clean but I don't want to. I don't want the last of dad to be washed away. I don't want to wash away the kiss he put on my cheek when he went to work Monday morning. I don't want to wash away his hand that I held when he helped me down the stairs. I don't want to wash away his fingers from when he squeezed my nose when I was being goofy. 

Because his hands would never touch me again. 

Tears streaming down my face, I get in the bathtub and sit down.
I'm soon sobbing as Julie takes a washing cloth and rubs my skin. Anger wells up inside of me. Sudden and strong and completely unstoppable.

"Why are you crying, Rynnie?" Julie asks and her saying that is, at that moment, just enough to make me lash out at her.

My hazel eyes burn with rage and I start punching my tiny fists into her chest. 

She startles and loses her balance slipping on the wet bathroom floor. Julie lands on her back but is quick to get up again as she stares at me in shock. 

I'm holding the sides of the tub watching my knuckles turn white, breathing heavily as I try to calm myself down. But it isn't until Julie takes my fingers and makes them let go one by one that I finally feel like I can think again.

She holds my face and I think I can hear her say. "Calm down, Camryn. Breathe."

But I'm not sure. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and my head is throbbing. I breathe and when I feel like I can speak again I whisper, so quietly she might not even hear it.

"No one can ever call me Rynnie again, never. Just daddy."

After the words leave my lips I collapse in Julie's arms crying harder than I have since I found out he was gone.
She grabs behind her and slowly wraps a towel around me. Then she picks me up and carries me back to my room.

I hide my face in her shoulder and inhale her sent. It's not the same as when daddy carried me. It was never going to be the same. 

I wanted to stop thinking these thoughts so badly. They didn't make me feel better. Not even close actually. 

She smells like flowers and he did off sandalwood. 

She drops me on the bed and starts looking inside my closet, probably for the dress she bought. 

I don't get it. Why should I wear a pretty dress for my fathers funeral? For a birthday party, or a wedding, or even for school, I get that. But this, I don't understand at all. 

When she appears again she is holding a black dress. I get out of the towel and shiver as the cold air from the air conditioning hits my bare skin.

Julie starts to dress me and I let her, staring at a random spot on the wall. 

I wonder why mom isn't helping me but then I realize that she has barely left her room these last few days. So the neighbors took me under their wing. I'm too sad to thank them but the fact that I don't have to sleep alone at night means the world.