3/07/2014
Two years ago today i was declared depressed, the dreams and hallucinations proved that. My friends gave up a year ago, i still cry every night, even my family have given up on me. To recap my baby died at birth, then my new married man killed himself after that. My farther blamed me for their deaths and cut of all communication with me.
My mother tried to defend me but farther beat her to death in a drunken rage, then my brother killed him self, he was 12 so it is not surprising that i am depressed......
My farther just called, he said he was coming for me, he sounded drunk. I don't want to die for one reason, i have one friend, she found me in the park, i was trying to kill myself when she took me home. She seemed to give more than just pity, she made jokes and smiled at me and she seemed genuine. She is the only reason i live now.
5/07/2014
Joe came over today, she brought some sponge cake and made tea. We talked for hours about.... normal things like films and games. Every time i am with her i feel normal, like my world is not there and that she is just one of my friend , like i have a mom and brother and son and husband. She left too quickly.
It took me two minuets to relies that she had left and not just went to the toilet, that's when i broke down, the sobs chocked me and i began coughing and could not breath. I started to vomit and then my body collapsed on the floor in a fit
I called my doctor but could only cough into the phone before breaking into another fit, he got here to find my in a pool of my own tears and vomit. He took my to the hospital and had me under all night service. He let me out that morning in the hopes that i would have someone look after me for a while.
I don't want to call Joe, i feel like i would be bugging her, she has a life. Unlike me.
9/07/2014
I had a dream last night, it was about my mother. It started with her standing on a stool with a piece of rope, she was standing in the dark with a ceiling fan and light next to her. Then my farther came out of know were with a bottle of vodka in his hands and yelled at her "GET TO IT, YOU DUMB WHORE" he smashed the bottle and looked her straight in the eye. He seemed so tall.
Mother looked at me and a face of hatred fill her eyes and she said "this is your fault" she loped the rope and hung it on the fan. I panicked and cried "no mother", my farther staked towards me and slapped me, hard. I fell to the ground on my knees, he then picked up my body and said "try that again and i will kill you" he let me fall.
I looked up and saw my mother hanging from the fan, her foot twitching, my farther was laughing at her and then he pulled on her now still body and kicked over and over. I curled into a ball and cried until i woke up.
