The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 14

Sunday May 20th, 2018
Approximately 163 days to go
It had been 2 weeks since that first goodbye. 1 week since the big fight and 5 days since the official goodbye. Today I woke up and already my day felt so off. The atmosphere was different or at least that's what it felt like.  I felt cold and dull. My mind was already racing and my eyes had barely been open for an hour. This didn't feel normal. For awhile all I heard was my breathing echoing inside my head. That wasn't normal. So I got up I got out of bed and i forced myself to interact with my family. That was normal. I ate breakfast and argued. I watched tv shows and drank coffee but none of this felt right. Speaking to my mom was like every other conversation we would have as of recently. I tried to avoid the topic of him around her but she somehow found a way to bring him up every time. I always found myself arguing with her now. My head was clouded with anger and rage and i took deep breaths to control my impulses. This is so hard. My impulses tell me to smack punch or throw things at her or my siblings but I keep those in. I have still yet to fully master them but they are better. I haven't even began to master the art of holding my tongue. Oh no. My mouth constantly spills out daggers and blows and poison aimed for destruction but at least my impulses are under my control. I slipped into my bed and closed my eyes and tried to sleep but I couldn't. I found it was always difficult for me to sleep when I was angry or upset and at that moment I was both. So I put on a show. I watched tv and i calmed down. Until I was triggered. My breaths came quick and shallow. My head only rang and suddenly I was shaking and couldn't even hear my breathing but I knew I was i could see my chest move up and down and i was able to get a few texts to him. I needed him to help me. This was stupid. I was acting like he was home and he would be able to save me but he wouldn't. He was thousands of miles away and i was home alone. I guess it was true. I hadn't let it go. I hadn't moved on. I was scared. Suddenly the realization that i was alone sent my heart flying through the sky and i couldn't catch up. I was petrified really. I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone and yet that's exactly how it was. I was alone. This only scared me even more. He was able to calm me down. He was always able to do that but my anxiety wasn't done with me yet and i would come to find this out in just a few short hours. The reality of what was happening was lost in my mind and when it came back i wasn't ready for it.
       It happened so fast. One minute I was calm and eager to talk to him but I couldn't find my headphones. This made me lose it. My anxiety quickly shot through the roof and i was panicking. I was shaking and i just needed my headphones. I needed help but they wouldn't help which only upset me even further. I tried to think of where I had them last but I couldn't. I just couldn't. My mind wouldn't allow me to focus because it had released what I had been hiding behind the wall. Suddenly I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe and it felt like someone was choking me while I was underwater. I couldn't do it. I was dying quickly. I went into the bathroom and i started to pace. I wanted to scream and rip my hair out. I looked in the mirror and my camera and i wanted to break them because they showed me someone I didn't know. I didn't know who was looking back at me. I had no clue and i was scared. I needed him to understand to be there. But he wasn't he couldn't. He helped but quickly had to go. I felt bad. I felt crazy trapped in my own body with no one to hear me or see me. With no one to help me. I needed him to help me but he had to go and the small part of me that was still logical understood. And so I told him I loved him that i was ok and that i would talk to him later. I lied. I was not ok or fine and now I wanted to throw up. So I called my sister. I hid my tears from my brothers and mother but not from him or her. I told her the truth just as I had told him and she helped. She calmed me down enough to get me to breathe, to talk to her, to understand that i was fine. I would be ok. I took a hot bath at first but it wasn't helping and so I got off the floor and took a cool shower. That helped a little more. I was still scared and i still could only hear ringing and the echos of my breaths but I was better. I was getting myself under control. I was trying.
           Somehow the winds in my world had shifted. I no longer cared. Reality had set in. I was going to have to suffer before things got better. That sucked. He was thousands of miles away and I was being forced to learn to be by myself even though I didn't want to and i didn't think I'd make it. I had to learn that i couldn't run to him every time even though that's all I wanted to do. I had to learn that i was stuck here and there was absolutely nothing could do about it. He had to be out there and me? Well i was just stuck here. It was BULLSHIT. I wanted to cry until I no longer had any tears to fall. So I did. I cried. I cried and cried until I was literally choking on my own sobs. I cried so hard you would think that today was the day I said goodbye. I just wanted to talk to him but I couldn't do that. I had to wait for a time that worked for him. No matter how much that sucked. I had to realize that in just some time it would be days without hearing from him. It would be weeks waiting for a damn letter. It would be lots of my time being spent alone. I was going to struggle more than I ever had before. That was a reality I wasn't ready for. No matter how much I prepared, i wasn't going to be ready and i had to face that now before it got even worse. It's going to be ok.

Days gone: 6