Back to You

Chapter 1

Hazel ran a hand through her hair. It had grown out well in the six months since. She was NEC, for now, the doctors had warned. Phalanxifor had worked on her, and only her. When she missed Gus most, she wished it would have been him who had been saved by the miracle drug instead of her, that he was left to pick up the pieces and say his eulogy at her funeral. She was bitter even now; she was constantly consumed by thoughts of how unfair it all was. He deserved longer, much longer. She thought of his brown-sugar hair and his smirk that made her knees weak. She felt like crying again, but she didn’t know if anything would come out.

“Haze,” Isaac said, “Are you even listening to me? Hello… Blind man here.”

“I’d hardly consider you a man,” Hazel snorted.

“Thinking about Gus again?” he sighed.

“I… Yeah. It’s hard to stop.”

“I know.”

They sat on the curb in front of Isaac’s house in silence. They’d been almost inseparable since Gus died; no one else understood the way they felt, no one else had been close to him like they had. Isaac put his arm around Hazel and in turn, she let her head fall onto his shoulder. It pulled on her oxygen tube a bit. She still had trouble breathing, but at least her lungs weren’t filling with fluid anymore.

“Hazel?”

“Isaac.,” she warned.

“You should go back to school,” he said in a voice so soft, it was almost a whisper.

They’d had this conversation plenty of times, and each time, Hazel insisted that she didn’t need to yet, that she needed more time. This time, she pointedly ignored him.

“I know you don’t want to, I know you don’t feel ready yet, but you’re never going to get over him if you don’t start living your life again,” Isaac continued, “He wouldn’t want this, he would cringe at the thought.”

Hazel’s head shot up and she stared at him with blazing eyes, “Don’t even begin to say that, you have no idea what it’s like, not even close. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning ready to call him, only to remember that I can’t, that I never can again!”

“He was my friend too, Hazel Grace.”

Isaac rarely used her full name and it made her stomach twist. Augustus had always called her that. She sniffled and realized she’d been crying. It happened at the most unexpected times lately.

“Haze, please don’t cry,” Isaac said and reached out for her hand.

“I’m not crying,” she tried to say, but her voice cracked.

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

“You’re blind, you can’t tell,” Hazel giggled through her tears.

“Wow, Gus seems to have left you to babysit his attitude!” he laughed, nudging her with his shoulder, “But seriously, think about if the situation was reversed. Would you want him to stop living his life?”

“No, but-“

“No buts, Gus may not be here to kick yours, but I am. You need to start living again. You’re NEC. You may still have your oxygen tank but at least you’re alive. You must seize the day so that you do not simply fade into oblivion!” he bellowed, trying to sound as much like Gus as possible, while making ridiculous hand gestures.

Hazel looked at her watch and stood up, “Come on.”

“What?” Isaac inquired, confused.

“It’s time for the literal heart of Jesus!”

“Oh, how could I forget? The literal heart of Jesus! A place of store-bought cookies and depressing stories! Did I just make a rhyme? I think I just made a rhyme.”

“Gus would be so proud,” Hazel stated sarcastically.

Isaac stood up and Hazel hooked her arm through his.

“Ready?” she asked.

“Ready." He answered.