listening to: Don't Go - Cyberbully Mum Club
The boy looked up with wide eyes as someone pinned a dark, sweetly perfumed flower to his lapel. There were suddenly fingers brushing through his hair, scruffing the tangled mess and he instinctively shied away. They lingered and he held his breath, eyes narrowed in sadness and fear, body angled away. And then they left and he could let the air in his burning lungs go.
He vaguely registered someone leading him outside and the air was far too cold. Why did everything look so dull and grey? Like all the world had been drained of it's colour just for this day. And suddenly he was in front of a great mound of earth, the ugly greyish-brown a stark and garish scar among the brilliant green.
She'd have wanted a tree but they gave her a tombstone. He could see it now; a huge, twisting weeping willow with slender tendrils that draped into the water and whispered in the breeze. Or maybe a beautiful silver birch so graceful it looked like it might start to dance in the wind. Or even a conifer so tall it touched the heavens to say hello to her. Anything but the cold, unwelcome grey and mean, jagged letters that rested there now. It felt too wrong. He took the flower from his jacket, lay it down in front of the stone and stood back. At least there was something like her there now.
Someone asking if he was okay... no of course not. He wanted to cry. His mother told him that was okay, there were tears in her own eyes catching the sunlight.
He started to sob.
The floorboards softly creaked and the girl froze in place, breath hitching as she strained her ears. The air was still and brought nothing but dust. All she could hear was the ghoulish moans of the wind whipping around the shabby family home. No shadow moved in the inky darkness. She breathed a sigh of relief. Then another sound drifted through the air, so quiet she almost couldn't hear it at all. One so pitiful her fragile heart sank.
"Don't go."
The voice was young and pleading, breaking with emotion. She heard a delicate sniff and knew there would be warm tears already staining his young cheeks. With her hand on the cold brass of the doorknob, she made herself be still, hoping to some extent he might just go away. The world itself seemed to hold its breath. And then the illusion melted away with the light pittering of his feet on the carpet above her as he ran from the landing and down the stairs to fling himself at her. There was the gentle pressure around her waist as he wrapped his arms tightly around her, searching for any shred of comfort or reassurance. And then there was his voice again, muffled almost to the point that it was inaudible as he pressed his face into the soft fabric of her jumper.
"Please, don't go."
She blinked hard as her own eyes began to swim, and carefully pried herself from his desperate embrace. Steeling herself and her shaking nerves, she turned to face him, and she could tell he was frantically trying not to burst into tears. She held onto him for a moment, just looking at his face with her hands gripping his shoulders too tightly.
"You're gonna go upstairs..." She began and the pain in his eyes made her heart break. He shook his head, repeating 'no, please, no' again and again. "You're gonna go back to bed and you're gonna forget you saw me, yeah?"
It was hopeless of course. The distraught child had the wits about him to at least be quiet, but his sobbing wouldn't stop no matter what she said. She knew exactly why. Her little brother didn't see the whole picture. He didn't understand why she had to go, who her heart belonged to now. That's what the girl kept telling herself as her baby brother struggled free and hugged her again. This house, it was just a reminder of who she wasn't with... It wasn't perfect love but it sure as hell wasn't as bad as the cold war her parents called a marriage. But the child couldn't understand. All he knew was that he was loosing his only sister.
She allowed herself to return the cuddle as he slowly sank to the floor. With obvious affection she started to stroke his hair gently, shushing into his ear. His breathing slowed and she felt him relax a little. While his face was hidden, she felt a few of her own tears fall and cringed at the dread in her stomach. So accustomed to the silence, when he next spoke it almost made her jump.
"Please don't leave us." He said, a little calmer though he was still trembling. His voice was weaker now, and she knew to take that as a sign that he was almost asleep. He got like this every time she read Koyasan to him. He was fighting to stay awake, but he was fighting a losing battle
"I'm not gonna leave." She said, and she felt his whole body lean into her. It was too early in the morning for one so young to be sobbing his heart out, and exhaustion along with her warmth lulled him into a deep sleep. The sun would almost be on the horizon, and she'd already made her choice. Maybe she could come back one day, when they were both older. With a loving kiss, she bid the sleeping child farewell and slipped out into the cold autumn air.
And here he was again, the wilting flower long dead. No matter how long you wait it's all the same. Everyone ends up the same. He tried to hold it all in. He wasn't a child anymore, he had to be strong. But the emotions just bubbled over, a frenzied panic of sadness and confusion. Of course she'd left. Why hadn't he stayed up? What was wrong with him? Soon he was wailing, pleading with the earth to give her back. Give them all back. He sank to his knees, not noticing as a jagged rock skinned his knee. Trembling fingers touched bare earth. She had gone and now she was gone forever. He was all alone. They were all down there.
He felt someone drape a warm, far too big for him hoodie over his back. A feeling that was so familiar, distantly reminding him of something long ago. Strong hands came to his shoulders, gripping them almost too tightly, and stood him up. They hugged him lightly and Toby wrapped his arms around their neck like he was a child again, holding the comforting fabric around himself. God, you look like a child. Grow up, his dad would say, grow up you look pathetic. But all that melted away quickly as the warmth of the body near his drove out the cold. There was no sound in the air. Not an insect moved to spoil the calm.
"It's just you and me now, kid." He heard Alex whisper into his ear, holding back his own tears to wipe away his brothers. "I'm not gonna leave you."
