A collection of thoughts and dreams

Pink Roses

I stood there with a bouquet of pink roses, her favourite, she absolutely loves flowers, she'd told me a million times, and u should see the delight in her eyes when we pass by wildflowers on
The side of the road.

I was fiercely knocking, all the vehicles were gone leaving the driveway completely bare, I hoped to god she was home. I hammered on the door once more, not losing hope. Her dog Oskar was most likely damaging it now with all his scratches in attempt to launch his little body up to bark at the intruder.

And there she was, so damn beautiful, even with the puffy eyes and a messy ponytail, she's been crying, I made her cry. God baby I'm so sorry.

She was wearing my shirt, although it fit me it looked like a dress on her and she wore it better than I ever could, so naturally I gave it to her, the pockets just reached her knees inside one was her phone attached to the earphones that blasted a song through one of her ears and loud enough for me to hear with the other one out, it was a sad song one I never let her listen to. The pockets were her favourite part, she always claimed how unfair it was that girls never had as many pockets as boys and when they did they were so narrow.

The emotions in her face couldn't be read, she was openly staring at me through the window, the door in our way, only this piece of wood blocking me from the one thing I need most, I would tear it from it's hinges in a second just to hold her close. It's been at least three minutes of complete silence, she still hasn't opened the door, she didn't leave though. I haven't checked if it's locked, I have to let her make this decision, I really hope she chooses me though.

I don't lift up the flowers so she can see, I don't want to make this harder, I won't cheat, she opens this door for me, not these flowers, I just got them to brighten her day, if she decides not to open the door I'll leave them on the steps. Their hers as is my heart.

She's scared I can tell, but she turns the knob, it was unlocked. She doesn't hesitate when she opens it completely. I expected a small crack so she could hear me out, her défenses usually do high. But to my surprise, it's opened completely, leaving space for me to grab her and hold her close. She hasn't moved, she's not inviting me in. She loves me but she doesn't know if she can trust me anymore, she wants me there but doesn't want to let me in.

Im sorry baby, why can't I say anything ? I thought about what I would say to her for hours, lying in my bed, at the florist's, in the car, standing here, ever since she walked away from me. But now I can't utter a word with her in front of me. I do the one thing I can, I step forward, she doesn't flinch or step back, she doesn't step forward though she just stands there.

People who don't know her, really know her, would think in this moment she was indifferent but no, I know her, she's  struggling right now and I want to end it. I want to give her peace. I just need it to be with me.

I realize she has nothing to say to me so I speak first. I skip the pleasantries and just say "I love you", she looks at my lips as I say it instead of my eyes which have held her gaze since she got to the door.

She doesn't say it back or even say a word, she notices the flowers now and I can sense happiness in her eyes, the sad definitely overrides it, but it's a start and it's all I could've hoped for.

She whispers something to herself not meant for me to hear and I don't hear it.

I look at her with hope, I'm searching her eyes for something, anything. The curve of her nose, her lips, the set of her chin, something that'll tell me what to do, give me an indication of where she's at. Please come back to earth my darling, I need you.

Finally, she opens her arms and it doesn't take me a second, I rush inside and hold her, she nuzzles her face in the bridge of my neck, god she smells so good. She doesn't even need perfume she just smells amazing. Some one should patten this scent they'd make millions.

I'm holding her now, she's crying, I'm crying, I've picked her up and moved her towards the bed.

I sit her down and she stops, I'm now across from her the bed sheets crinkling under our weight. She looks up at me through her long lashes, she's so heartbrocken, how did thsi happen, how could I ..

"I know you're sorry—" she starts to say matter of fact ly. "More than u could fathom, I'm so in love with you I don't know—", "Sh" she silences me.

"I know your sorry—" she restarts, "I know you love me, I know I'm your world, I know you never meant to hurt me, I know everything was just some giant mistake that should've never happened, I know you're hurt and I know this is killing you." She knows me better than anyone, she understands me without a word exchanged, she's the best person I know.

"I've been through this in my mind the entire day, replaying it over and over, thinking of every possible and impossible scenario leading up to it, thinking about you and I and what you're going through, worrying because i know you, you're reckless, thinking something might happen because you're so upset, thinking about what might happen to me if something happens to you. I love you, you know I do. I love you more than I've ever loved, I'm a mess, you know this."

I stop her "you're not—", she interrupts me "Yes I am, I blamed myself, I blamed you,I thought of everything that u could possibly think of in the last 8 hours."

"I just couldn't come up with an answer to it all, I had the reasons, I had the situation, I had you and your state and mine. I just couldn't figure out what to do next, I cried and I screamed and threw things.

"God baby I'm sorry—" , I'm choking on sobs, "it's not your fault, it's mine, you didn't make me like this. I was before I met you." "Baby you need help—" "STOP, ok I can't u know I can't. I love you and I know your sorry and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so messed up, but this is on you not me. Not this this but what happened, I blame you."

"You should, it's all me, I fucked up, you didn't deserve that, really, you deserve the world I'm the biggest idiot, I just — I'm just so fucking sorry I don't know what I was thinking I — I'm sorry, it's not enough but it's all I've got."

"I know you are" she said this absently flipping the roses petals. The tears were still glistening on her cheeks.

"I love you and I just — I want you here, even with what happened even with how I feel. I want you here, actually no I need you here because you're the only person I want to see."

I just hold her and I kiss her forehead I don't know what to do, she's not telling me to leave but I shouldn't stay, she needs better deserves it. "I know what you're thinking  and you're the best, whether u want to believe it or not, you fucked up majorly but I still only have eyes for u and I couldn't imagine myself with anyone other than you."

I kiss her hand, and her hair and her cheeks and nose and lips and tears.

"You're important" I say looking into her eyes, I wish I could explain how important she was not just to me but in general.

"So are you." She states looking at me and the kissing me. "Can we get through this?" I ask pulling away. I know this isn't over and I can't have it hurting her. She smiles sadly and looks at me. "I don't know" she says honestly.

"I really don't " ..