Melanie Means Darkness

Questions & Answers

October 10th, 2016
"This is not a journal, this is not a diary."

"This is your mind Melanie think!"

"Out of all the times you thought about
this and now it's your chance"

"Don't think about it just...jump"

It seemed much easier to do this in my dreams. Everybody is looking. All of this attention is new to me and it's the most attention I've received from the entire school since the year started. I hear people screaming, teachers calling 911 and my only friend nowhere to be seen. As I look down at all those people. I can't even guess what their names are. All I see is my hatred. The hatred that started all of this. Nobody knows my name until I make them. Until they see that my face is different from theirs. The face that shows no emotion but is obviously broken. They all will know my name. My name is the only thing I own. My name means darkness. Do you know my name now?

August 7th, 2016

"Melanie, Melanie"

"Melanie wake up!"

"You're going to miss your bus again it's the second day of school"

"Just because I'm younger than you doesn't mean I can't help you"

I wasn't asleep. I could hear every word my younger brother was saying. He's not like the other kids at his school, he worries a lot about me. I want to tell him to quit trying to help, but I know that's going to break him. He has already been through enough. I feel sorry for him, he's only 10 years old and he has seen me have 4 anxiety attacks within his lifetime. I'm the one to blame, I can't even help myself so how can I help him? Matthew is everything to me and I don't know how to save him. I roll over to the side of the bed where Matthew was, I look at him and smile.

"I'm getting ready now, I will be ready in a few minutes" I said

He smiled back and said "I'm going to make you breakfast downstairs hurry!"

He runs downstairs and closes the door behind him. Still unaware of my surroundings I head for the bathroom. Every morning before I go to school I take my makeup that I got a few months ago and hide my scars on my wrist that I gave myself the night before. It sounds depressing but I don't even know why I do it anymore. Am I sad, lonely? I make sure Matthew doesn't see them. I don't want him to ask questions or even worst start cutting too. I try not to think about it. While going downstairs I look towards my moms' room. I see there's an alcohol bottle in between the door and the wall, as if it's a door holder. I don't know if she's even in the house. All she does is work and drink all day. She started drinking after my dad went to jail when I was 5 years old. All I remember is her drinking everywhere we went. I don't have any memory of my dad. The little piece I can remember is him looking at me in my room and that's all I can remember.

Downstairs at the dining table Matthew was setting the food on the table to eat. I wondered how did he have the time to cook this. He should be getting ready for school in an hour. I sat down and seen the half cooked pancakes and eggs, I know he tried his best so I'm not going to tell him it's undercooked. He tells me to eat and tell him if I like it. I take one bite and looked at the time and I see that the bus is almost here.

"You did a good job, you really know what you're doing" I said

He had the biggest smile on his face. That's what I want for him. To have a happy childhood.

"Thank you best sister ever!" He said

The bus arrived at my house and I kiss Matthew goodbye and I headed out. Walking to the bus from my house is so nerve racking. Everyone on the bus is looking at me. I don't know if they're talking about me or not. It's the second day of school and I feel like people are already judging me. It's windy outside, the sun is almost out. I didn't expect for it to be this chilly even though it's still summer. As I'm walking to the bus my hair keeps blowing into my face. I bet I look stupid. I stepped into the bus and all eyes are on me. I can feel my anxiety coming. I walk through the aisle to find a seat. People keep staring at me as I walk passed them. There's only one space on the bus and it's next to this boy. I don't know who he is but I sat down next to him anyway. He's wearing earphones and listening to music. I can hear the song but I don't really listen to music so I wouldn't know. I can tell he's cute although most likely has a girlfriend. Most of everyone on this bus are on their phones. Nobody is talking to each other. I feel weird In this amount of quiet. I live pretty close to my school so it doesn't take a large amount of time to get there. I can see the bus loop from here. I already know what classes I have but I hope I don't bring attention to myself. Being a junior in high school wasn't all that exciting like everyone made it seem. You see the same people from last year and a few new people. It's the same routine every year for me. Everybody gets off the bus and we all split up then go to our friends. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have any friends. Nobody wants to talk to me because they think I'm weird. I could say the same thing to them.