Thoughts

Ranting about stupid shit because guess what? I can

Okay so, yeah this is pretty much me ranting. I get mad and upset easily so this is a thing. Plus stuff about me being trans which I don't feel like talking to anyone about. Right now I'm gonna write about my thoughts in school today 

TW!!! S**cide and depression

Today was meh. I just kind of realized how much no one cares. Like, this isn't me being like "oh no one cAReS aBouTt MeEeEe I hAtE mY LiFfFfFfffFFffFFeEeE!!!" This is me thinking "if I were gone everyone would eventually move on. Forget about me." Also, how easily people can move on. That's a thing that I'm like ?!?!!1!!1?!?!1/1 hOW? because ha I can't. When I lose someone I think about it a lot but I don't get sad. After a few weeks, I suddenly get sad. It's weird. BUT today I was thinking about killing myself which ain't good. Sometimes those thoughts just go *poof* "hey bitch" and it's irritating because I'm trying really hard to get better and my mom doesn't believe in like anti-depressants and stuff like that so I can't take them hA. I'm also mad because I asked my mom if I could cut my hair short like guy short and she was instantly like "no" so I was like "why?" and she kept saying "let's stop talking about this" which pisses me off. She doesn't know I'm trans though and she'll never know until I'm out of this house. She doesn't know how much it means to me to cut my hair. I'm planning on saving up money though and going to a hair salon or something. I got really upset about that though which seems stupid but it means a lot to me. Having my hair short helps my whole "I'M A GUY" image. I've just been really ugh recently and I don't like it. I'm truly trying to get better but it's hard. Right when I promise myself that I'm gonna take better care of my mental health and overall health I start thinking about *those* thoughts. I can't wait until I'm 18, probably even 17 so I can move out with Megan because I can't stand it here. Christianity and being a girl is being shoved down my throat and I can barely breathe. I feel like I'm being suffocated in this house. PLUS WHEN I ASK MY MOM TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH MY COUNCILOR SHE'S ALL LIKE "wHy dOn'T yOu TaLk tO mE?!?!11?1!?!!?"  like boi every time I tell you how I feel you yell at me and create a huge argument about how I'M FEELING. Ugggghhh this is enough ranting for tonight. Probably gonna be back tomorrow. Goodnightt