Just Hoping For A Miracle

Three.

        Logan is the one who decided that we were just friends. He chose, without bothering to ask what I wanted. But maybe he already knew what I wanted, he did know me better than anyone else. But, either way, I never got a say in what happened. 

        If I had a say in what happened, I would have promised him, swearing up and down, that he'd never lose me. That it was impossible. That he was stuck with me, whether he liked it or not.  That he would always have me in his corner or on his side, rooting for his victory. I would have told him that no matter what happened between us, I was still going to be his best friend. After such a long, strong friendship, a short, stupid relationship wouldn't completely shatter our friendship. It might just leave a small, repairable crack in the Glass of Loliva's Friendship. 

But I mean, I guess that I could have said anything, and he still might not have believed it. He clearly had major doubts in what a relationship would do to our friendship, and I'm not sure that even I could have convinced him. 

        I just wish that he could see, for just five minutes, what I see. (Ugh, the cliches just keep coming.) I wish that he could see that when I'm in the same room as him, all I see clearly is him. Everything else is blurry, like I severely need bifocals. I dream about me being able to tell him that his voice is the best sound that I've ever heard, and I have to stop myself from smiling when I hear him. Or even hear someone mention his name. I think about a time when I can tell him just how much I love him. I dream about him telling me that he loves me too, and then us living happily ever after.

And then I'm snapped back to reality, where I know that "happily ever after" is an unreachable dream. Partly because it does not exist and because happily ever after is not the ending that you or anyone else gets, there is only one ending that everyone gets. Death, that's all we get. We get to be happy and sad and full of many different emotions, and then they all stop, along with your heart. And that's the only ending that you get. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it is the truth. If it upsets you, then you should think about right now, not your inevitable end. 

And maybe one day there will be a cure to stopping that ending from coming, that will let us exist forever. And maybe that will happen in your lifetime. But, for now, thin about the good things. The things that seperate life from death. The things that make you want to keep on living forever and ever. 

I don't like thinking about death, because it makes all of this seem so unimportant, which may be a good thing, it keeps you in persective and probably keeps you sane, but it also make you, youself feel so small and unimportant. And it could potentially ruin your life, making you do things or miss out on things because "it doesn't matter, we're all gonna be dead soon anyways".

I don't like thinking about death, but I don't really like thinking about life either. Because when I think about life, I think about my future. And more detailed, I think about the future I won't have with Logan. 

I think about how he'll always be nothing more than my best friend. I think about how I'll have to attend his wedding, faking a smile while he marries someeone else. And I think about how maybe one day I'll finally have found someone who made me forget all of my feelings for him, and then I'll get married. And how our kids will grow up together, and maybe his daughter will fall in love with my son and then we'll both be grandparents to the same children. And that life doesn't sound too bad. But I know, that even though I might seem happy with that guy that I'm going to marry. If it's not Logan, I could always be happier. I know that for sure. 

        Sometimes I think that Logan might actually like me, even after all he's said, even after he's changed his mind, back and forth, a billion and four times.  Because sometimes, he just acts like he does. He treats me differently compared to all of his other friends, he takes my side when I'm bantering with one of them, he chooses me over them for school projects. And he flirts with me, sometimes we'll be caring on a normal conversation, talking about music or something and suddenly he'll start flirting. He's not very subtle when flirting, so if he's trying to hide it, he's quite terrible at it. 

And that's the confusing part of this situation, he acts like he likes me and then says that he doesn't. If he said that he didn't and he played the part well, nothing would be confusing, I would have to move on. But this? I can't believe him when he doesn't like he doesn't feel anything for me. Maybe I'm just in denial, but I don't think so. Everyone else sees it too. Everyone always thinks that we're together, even one of the teachers at our school.

We were working on our unfinished projects in her classroom. We were both working on our own, but talking to each other, then he said that he needed help on his. So, I walked over there to help him. I helped him and we were cracking jokes and goofing off. Then she spoke up, we thought that she was going to tell us to stop messing around because we had to finish our projects, but instead she said: "I'm sorry. I just have to say it, you guys are adorable together.". It got a litte awkward as he started doing his signature "cough-laugh" thing. "We aren't... together." I said, trying not to sound disapointed. "Yeah, we're just really close friends." He said, basically throwing me in the Friend-Zoned Prison Cell, slamming the door, and melting  the metal key down to reuse. And let's just say, I really hated jail.