Invisible Monsters

Unorganized

Dear Diary,

I want to scream, I want to shout. So many, too many thoughts running around in my head, saying "Do this" and "Do that". Kill yourself, die. You're worthless, you are nothing and no matter how hard you try despite feeling down, you will never look as pretty as the others.

People say God doesn't make mistakes and I was silly to believe it for as long as I did.  What was that story in the Bible again where he flooded the whole human race because of how shocked and disgusted he felt when he witnessed the atrocities they had committed? Wasn't that a mistake on his part? Maybe I was a mistake. I wasn't supposed to happen. Could explain all the "luck" I've been receiving all throughout my life. It could explain why no matter how hard I try, it doesn't work out for me in the end. Some of my friends don't work as hard as me (I've witnessed it; it makes me mad) yet they earn way more than I could even imagine. The whole thing depresses the fuck out of me.

I'm tired of trying and getting nothing out of it. I'm tired of trying and shit stays the same; a constant line on a graph, not going up nor down. Just straight.

Life's a joke, and I'm laughing cynically at it.

I know I know. I'm all over the place with my writing but the therapist said that writing in a journal, all my dismal thoughts about me and the world around me would help release all the anger and sadness I feel inside. So I'm writing down what I feel. And what's inside.

It's chaotic inside here.

My brain, nothing is organized in there. I want this, I want that, I CANNOT MAKE UP MY MIND. I want to do everything at once and then my energy plummets and I feel no motivation to get out of bed for days. I would actually stay in my bed, surrounding myself with the darkness and the sheets blocking my view of reality but I still live with my parents. Unfortunately I'm still a minor, so I can't do whatever I want (meaning when the depression hits, just stay in bed all day and all night crying myself to sleep, wash rinse repeat).

I want to die. I feel as though I have no purpose on earth anymore and all of this is a waste. I was a trial and error to God. I was put here for others to look at me as a lesson: "Don't do this and that and you'll become like her."

I feel like I am the bad example in the family, even though most of what that has happened to me wasn't my fault. How I feel gets the better of me and it makes me tense and tight and uncomfortable. I just want to be alone.

Fuck. Just leave me alone.