how do i tell a girl i want to kiss her? // erikleen

prologue

As much as I hate to admit it, my feelings for Colleen started as soon as I walked into that audition room. At the time it was easy to push away, I looked at her once as Erik and then I was Patrick and she...was Miranda.

Upon the duration of filming season one of Haters Back Off, it was mostly Patrick and Miranda. Often I would tell myself that the intense feelings I felt were just method acting taken a little too far. That was all a lie. I didn't realize I loved her just as much off set as I did on set until the show was released and we didn't talk for five months.

That's right, Colleen and I went without speaking for five months, if that would've happened now--I would combust.

Those five months were difficult for both of us. From the social media that I stalked relentlessly, I could tell she was doing just as much soul searching as I was, but I was too scared to ever talk to her about it. Occasionally, I would at least try to text her, just to see how she was doing, but each time I'd back out of doing so.

We started talking again two months before filming the show, only because the whole cast wanted to catch up. A part of me thought that once I saw her in person again, I would realize I wasn't actually in love with her. That part of me was very incorrect. She was more vibrant than ever. Even the smallest exchanges we had made my heart scream.

It was that point on I couldn't get enough of her, no more five months of being a pussy for me. As we filmed season two, I took it upon myself to create as many chances to hang out with her outside of work as possible, and she allowed me.

I almost felt guilty for having feelings for her and being her friend. She began putting her trust in me and--and truthfully, it made me nervous.

This nervousness became real to me the first time she called me in the middle of the night asking me to come over to her apartment. In the dead of night, I made that trip through the city to get to her. She opened the door to me wearing no makeup, hair a mess, wearing pajamas. I remember that night we sat in her living room and she told me how lonely she felt in Vancouver. My dumbass couldn't help but respond with, "well, I'll always be here." She laughed and I ignored every part of me that so badly wanted to kiss her.

The majority of filming season two was me learning how to control my feelings and keep our friendly bond strong. I beyond valued my time with her, even if it all was just a friendship. This was easier than expected because Colleen frequently called me to her apartment. Soon, I was raiding her fridge as she ranted to me in a onesie.

We both equally made sure that after filming season two, what happened after season one wouldn't happen again. I don't want to admit how happy it made me to know that I wasn't the only one putting effort into our relationship.

----

While we were close, I didn't expect her to want me to go on tour with her. That month was as exciting as a month could get. What could be better than following the woman you love around countries you wouldn't have been to otherwise?

Of course, there was the fact that two people found out that I loved her. Kory and Lee. I always had the suspicion Kory knew, but he never brought it up until Lee did.

We were hanging out in Colleen's dressing room a little bit before a meet and greet. I was admiring her, nothing out of the ordinary, when she started fretting about how she looked. She wasn't self-loathing too deeply, just joking around, saying things like, "oh my God, I look like such a toe!" However, on that particular night-- she looked quite nice too me.

So, I quickly exclaimed, "Colleen, you look great!"

Kory and Lee looked at me as if I slapped her on the ass and called her Stacy. She didn't seem to think anything of it and simply rested her hand on my head before running out on stage.

"What was that?" Lee laughed.

"We love a supportive friend," Kory teased immediately after.

"That was--a lot of passion," Lee continued.

"She does look great!" I blushed.

"Oh my God," Lee simply stated, "you've got feelin's for her..."

I couldn't deny it, I also didn't want to confirm it. So I said nothing--which sent them into the same amount of hysterics that would occur if I said, "yeah, and every time she looks at me I feel the symptoms of a heart attack."

I sat there, face burning with a blush until they stopped screaming. Lee cleared his throat, "Well, it's not like it's impossible to--you know."

"She's single and ready to mingle, Erik," Kory added.

I clenched my fists nervously and shifted, "I think--I think I know that, I just get so nervous around her."

"Aw, how sweet," Lee gushed ironically. He then pinched my cheek and said, "good luck, man," before leaving the room. Kory followed after him and I was left alone in the room with my own thoughts and feelings.

They both kept it to themselves (as far as I know); however, it did create instances where it was awkward. An example of this is when occasionally Colleen would rant to both Kory and me about dating and how she can't seem to find a guy she liked. During those conversations, Kory gave me side-eyes strong enough to produce radiation.

Things were pretty uneventful until...Haters Back Off was discontinued. That period of time was bittersweet for me. On one hand, Colleen called upon me to vent out all her emotions, and on the other hand, I had lost a job I deeply loved.

This mess of emotions gradually came to a halt when we went to Hawaii...believe it or not, that's when everything started spiraling.

2023 UPDATE: Colleen Ballinger grooms children. None of this could have been realistic to the Hawaii trip because she was detailing the sex she was having to a child. Be careful who you look up to online.