Girl Crush

There's something about your first girl crush. It possesses a special kind of magic, different from other crushes.

Because other crushes felt expected. They were powerful, for sure, and definitely felt secret, but a girl crush is different.

Because it will start like a friendship. Admiration mixed with a bit of jealousy. Wow, I want to spend time with this girl. She's so smart and kind. Such a good friend. And, wow, she's so beautiful it's kind of unfair. So goddamn beautiful.

And then you're sitting with her, and she's laughing and you're thinking, she has the most beautiful laugh, and then she leans slightly over and her shoulder touches yours.

And BOOM. Activate feelings. Because the contact that is so trivial with all your friends is suddenly not. It's suddenly Two People Touching instead of two people touching. You are all warm, and so aware of your shoulders together, that you're not sure whether to sigh from relief or sadness when the touch goes away.

From that moment on, each smile, or wink, or hug, or encouraging comment becomes too much. You're not sure if it's a flirtation, or just one of those things girls do. You're not sure if she knows how much you mean your Instagram comments, or how much your heart breaks when she replies with "I love you."

Because you read so much into that "I love you." It's not frantic, with the dozens of exclamation marks you're so used to receiving and sending. It's simple, stated like a fact. And it makes you wonder.

Is this the first girl crush, really? Or have you mistaken the other ones for friendship?

And could she ever like you back?

Dedicated to my Don Quixote. I hope you never find this.