There Is Always A Dead Feeling In A Broken Heart (Love)

Everything has changed, since the day you walked into my life and even more when you left that felt like I wanted to leave the game, I felt like a present without a future, the daughter of a rule. Life to me was nothing but a history of shit too short to tell. Sometimes I wished I had never been born because my problems were sinking me into a sea that was collapsing and had already swallowed too much salt water. I felt like I was nothing to the world and the world to me was nothing. I once thought of cutting myself but there was no courage, I was a girl, cowardly and gutless to cut. I was ashamed of my thoughts, my parents did not raise me with such mentality, I was ashamed of human weakness, our fragile minds that break when they get in contact with thousands of hard times, times when we are in trouble and we cry after seeing how long our problems last. I wanted to regain what was not mine and accept it with pride, a closed fist pounding against the wall, showed my pain. I desire to cry too fill the gap that you left inside, inside me there was pain, hate and love… I fell in love, and you, you lost me for letting me leave, after crushing my feelings that didn’t stop crying. I didn’t trust or believe in anything or anyone because of you, you will never feel what I felt for you EVER! I believed in the infinite for once in my life and I saw it’s ending which opened even more my wound.

My dear this is my farewell to you, you hated my hate. S**t! WHY DID I MEET YOU?! After that I was happy but that only lasted a few seconds, I want you to know that for this girl you were much more than just a world. I keep you in my music box of a thousand memories, each one of the moments and images that have died; my body felt empty and alone with dead feelings in my broken heart...

Sometimes things get lost and we never get to know the cause, there are obstacles that can make you fall; there are times when you feel like leaving everything. There is always a dead feeling in a broken heart.

Although everything I have to move to the other side of the glass in which I would be alone and away from all evil. Everyone, EVERYONE has a story to tell and “Happily ever after” tale almost too perfect but with an ending, you try to get away with your vices? I had dreams, nightmares in which I flew and fell to an abyss. Since that day I seek your lips in fantasies, I would say that this sentence flows with my voice into a melody if it had one, dead from loneliness. I still remember that goodbye, that coldly goodbye. Am I color blinded? It’s just that now everything is a different color, I couldn't sleep at night for fear, I had lost love, I used to vague with no answer, without hope and without faith, and now that I look back it’s so sad how I wasted so much time on you, it’s the past remembered in the present, I want a future away from the fear and the harm people cause. It's normal that I felt bounded as a prisoner, I had never seen the light in that cell, but I wanted to.

Dear “friends”; LEAVE ME ALONE! I do not want your false compaction, the superficiality of people bitter my heart who kept on beating, but mean less, I wanted to remember and mourn for what I had lived, but no, I don’t want any more bitter experiences that for you are mean less, but for me they were loads, loads for which I couldn’t hold on to anymore, I couldn’t handle it. Things kept on gathering and yet I was still walking. I wondered who would have written my destiny. Whoever did, in that moment didn’t appreciate its job, I don’t believe in magic creatures, that don’t exist; behind the “magic” there is always a trick. I was disappointed with the life I was assigned to, I didn’t have one, I had a thousand thorns nailed into me, I couldn’t do anything I just couldn’t believe in love stories anymore. I’m not saying it’s going to be always, I say that its now, because when I’m down the hours of the clock go by slowly. The melancholy helped me get it all out, and after you left I couldn’t control the beast that was asleep inside of me. I used to wish I would forget that I existed, I wanted to go back to being me, but it all faded away. What was happening to me? I had a demon that wanted to come out and put aside my body which didn’t stopped suffering.

There was a dead feeling in my vital organ; I keep my heart inside a music box, trying to forget means lying to you. DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF! I had faith that my heart would awaken.

 A mask hides inside its shell, my present was my past deformed in my heart, broken pictures, dead memories linger my memory, no way out or round, moments of pain and glory. And I want to forget so many things, but it just cost so much, there are thorns that nailed me and made me remember moments when I cried. I wanted to forget, I wanted to sleep I wanted to avoid waking up, I wanted to find an infinite land. FINALLY LET ME REST IN PEACE! I felt like my end was near; I wanted to take you but in a dead image. I keep your photos and your empty letters filled with words that just lied in the land of forgetfulness. My fairy tale got lost in the desert, in a sad silence, in a sea that I want to drown, a flame that wanted to shut down, a broken memory, your photos are dead feelings that I don’t notice. I wonder why I keep remembering you if I want to forget you, why did you stop loving me if I gave you everything. I kept on asking my subconscious the same two questions, because I know there is a part of me deep inside that understands me. For me it was a slow and very painful death, among all the black roses you were the most beautiful one of all. You tried to enter a virtually impenetrable being and you left with a heart that had no owner…

I have carried with so many things that you can’t even imagine, this being begins to marginalized, and fade, and although I believe I liked the pain because I didn’t want to move from the page. The magic of love was shame in my heart; they are penalties and gloom's that used to increase my pain. Forgetting is wanting to fool yourself, try to see beyond what you can see. Love is wanting to love that person above everything else, making that person feel special, in a fantasy story. This is the beginning of the end of my memories; will there be a withered Eden behind the glass? I felt dead.

I remember that “maybe”, that one last goodbye, I want to erase from my mind what this body suffered. “Ignorance makes happiness”, that’s what the sages say; I want to remember your lips and forget that goodbye. Although forgetfulness is a trick to fool you, when my feelings were dying I threw my heart into the abyss. I wonder who will care and who will remember me, I know that when I reach my end the story of my life it will take. But that feeling of death died when my heart broke. I was tired; my life was in danger of extinction! No blood was pumping and my heartbeats didn’t make sense. But why did I keep going through that path if my fate had already died? Your story. Why did you let me go? I remember every night and day, the afternoon you left me go. You separated me from your lips and now you feel the sadness as I already felt your rejection. Times change slowly, but forgetting is not easy.

Why did you carry that load, if in that load you wrote “Fragile”? I was like a little kid; I remember your sweet smell. My heart suffered and now because of you it was in COMA! Trying to forget is fooling yourself. I didn’t notice my heartbeats … There is always a dead feeling in a broken heart..

I kept on singing to my heart to see if it would wake up...... It did <3