Just go with it

A Look Into The Past

That night all I could do was think about how soon those jerk faces would become my stepbrothers. Occasionally I would remind myself that a lot could happen in three months. Mom and James could still end up calling it off. But then I think about how it would be being their stepsister.

I panicked a lot that night.

At around five or so in the morning I eventually dozed off. It didn't seem like I had gotten much rest because when mom woke me up the next morning, well, it was one in the afternoon, but I still felt like I needed a few more hours.

"I made you pancakes. Their you're favorite!" mom said while poking me.

"No! No don't do that!" I screamed. "Stop poking my sides! You know that tickles!"

Mom laughed along with me. Well, she laughed while I cried, screamed, laughed and struggled for air. That's good parenting right there.

"Come on. We'll eat pancakes and watch movies all day. Like we used to." she said while smiling. I smiled back, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat sad. Before dad left, we would always spend our Saturdays eating pancakes or waffles and watching movies. After he left, mom and I didn't do the things we used to. It just wasn't the same.

The rest of the day that was all we did. At around eleven I told mom that I was getting a little tired and she admitted she was getting a bit sleepy herself. We cut off Beauty and the Beast even though it was only thirty minutes into the movie and went on to bed.

I pushed out all thoughts of James and his family tonight. Instead my thoughts were consumed of my dad. I remember the last day I saw him like it was yesterday.  He told me that he had to go on some kind of important business trip, told me he had to make a big deal with a scary Japanese man.  I remember laughing, for some reason thinking it was insanely funny.  I remember saying how much I liked that cross necklace he always wore.  He had immediately taken it off and put it on me.  I told him I would keep it safe until he came back.  I was nine at the time.

He never came back.

I'll never know if he had been planning on leaving, or if it was just decided while he was over there, wherever 'there' was.  I'll never know if something happened to him.  I'll never know if he's even still alive.

Mom's convinced he left us.  Convinced herself that the business trip was a lie and that he'd run off with another woman.  I thought that too sometimes, and I would fidget with the cross necklace that is still dangling from my neck.  Sometimes I would be so tempted to rip it off and through it away.  But every time I would think, what if he's dead?  What if he didn't mean to leave us here and it was an accident.  Truth is I've never been able to force myself to get rid of the necklace.  It's all I have left of him now.

Six months after we realized he wasn't coming back was when my mom snapped.  We moved houses.  Moved into a completely different neighborhood actually.  The same neighborhood as my best friend lives in.  Michael had helped me through that tough time.  When mom started going out and hooking up with men she barely knew, Michael was the one that came over so I wouldn't be home alone.  He's a year older than me, but is in my grade because he got held back when he was in second grade.  That's when we met.  Ever since we've been inseparable.

But eventually mom stopped leaving me at home alone so much.  It took awhile, but she eventually calmed down.  She still had some guy come over for a few days every once in a while, and on those days I would lock myself in my room or go down the road to Micheal's house.  So, I guess I am glad she met James.  I'm not happy with his family, but I'm happy my mom found somebody that wouldn't be a three day thing. 

I fell asleep with these thoughts spinning circles in my mind.