Letters To My Ex

love, cheating

i am a horrible person.

other guys made me into the mess when it comes to relationships.

and i swear i hope i didn't do the same to you. i hope you're still different from other guys.

after about 20 days of you, another guy started showing interest in me. and i should have just friend zoned in him. i don't know why i didn't. i thought that...

he lives nearby, while you live an hour away so i would be able to see the other guy more. and i had more in common with this other guy. 

but this guy just wanted to sext, and hook up. and at this time i had no idea what you and i were, so i thought if him and i hooked up just once, you wouldn't know, so it would be harmless. i told him that i was with someone else, which was you. 

now i know that he was not worth it, not even close. but that wasn't the guy that led things to being ruined. he only lasted a week.

the next guy was something i hoped would lead to something more. at first me and him just started off as friends, but then it started leading to something more than that. it was like non stop sparks between us for a couple months. and during febuary-march you were kept on the side, and he was my main choice. i was still into you, if i wasn't then i would have let you go then and there. but i didn't. i kept you blind like all those guys did to me, and i truly am sorry. 

march break changed a lot. 

i will never forget how we talked all night, and i felt like this could be a forever thing. but the next day i hoped it would be as great, but you put your walls back up. and the rest of the week went down hill for us. we started fighting about stupid things like if kraft dinner is the same thing as mac and cheese. but near the end of the week it started getting good again, but then it got worse.

but through the whole week it was still good between me and the other guy.

when i got back home i thought about ending it with you for him. but then he hit me with the same surprise the other guys did. he started talking to someone else. and i acted like i was all cool with it, and happy for it. and i think that is why me and him are still friends and i'm waiting for things to end between him and the other girl that is so different from me.

so i did what i always do.

ran back to you, not like i really ever left.

and you took me back.

but you knew something was up, you told me that during one of our fights when we were ending and we were being too honest with each other. you knew all along i was talking to someone else. i'm not a great actor, and i wasn't giving you as much attention as i did before. yet i still asked if you were talking to other guys.

he wasn't the last guy i basically cheated on you with. the next guy is the worst. he is the first guy that ever fell for. the first guy to really hurt me. the guy that made me hard to have relationships.

he wanted me back. and of course, i was still kind of crazy about him. so i ended it with you for this idiot who left me in the dark two days after.

so, i cheated on you three times. 

i fucked up three times.

i regret so much. 

nothing i can do about it now but miss you.

none of them were good enough.

only you are.