Gotta Let Go

Couldn't Do It

            TJ slowly blinked open his eyes and groaned at the harshness of the hospital lights.

            "Hang on" someone said gently as he squeezed his eyes shut, "There we go, you can open them now." He slowly opened his eyes and saw his mother standing next to his bed.

            "Hey mama," he rasped and she smiled gently at him.

            "Hi sweetheart," his mother said, "It is so good to see you awake."

            "How long have I been out?" TJ asked.

            "Long enough," she replied as a tear slowly dripped down her cheek.

            "Don't cry mama," he begged, "Everything'll be alright now, I promise."

            "Oh sweetheart," she sighed, "I wish I could believe you, but I can see you don't even believe that." TJ's gaze drifted away from his mother and he bit his lower lip.

            "TJ look at me," Elaine ordered softly and he turned back to face her.

            "It's okay to not be okay," she told him, "I know you're hurt and I know you're scared, but that's okay. You don't need to pretend here sweetie. Not with me, not with your father, not with Dougie, and not with your grandmother, okay?" TJ nodded, his lower lip trembling as his tears spilled over. He tried to hold them back, but couldn't and soon TJ began sobbing in earnest.

            "Shhh, shhh," Elaine hushed him, wrapping her arms around TJ and bringing him close, "I'm here Tommy, it's okay."

            "I'm sorry mama," TJ sobbed, "I'm so sorry!"

            "Shhh," she rubbed his back slowly and held him tighter. She looked over his shoulder and saw her ex-husband standing in the doorway. She nodded once to let him know he could enter. He slowly walked into the room and sat down on TJ's other side. TJ jumped and turned his head to see his father sitting there.

            "It's okay son," Bud said, "We're here and we're not leaving you." TJ nodded and his tears continued to fall as Bug reached over and grabbed his son's hand. TJ sat there, sobbing harshly, with his parents on either side of him. Eventually his sobs died down, but none of them moved.

            "I'm sorry," TJ rasped quietly, his voice harsh from crying.

            "Why don't you tell us what happened son," Bug suggested.

            "I just-" TJ started, "I just couldn't do it."

            "Couldn't do what sweetheart?" Elaine asked.

            "Being at the club and knowing he was going to show up... It was like last December. At first I felt great and I was so happy. But then I remembered his wife and his kids and everything he said last time and I just... couldn't."

            "Oh TJ," Elaine sighed, "You can't let your whole life revolve around Sean Reeves, especially not after so long."

            "I don't it to!" TJ snapped and then his face dropped and he grew somber again, "I still love him mama." Elaine sighed again and exchanged a look with Bud.

            "TJ," Bud said slowly and his son turned to look at him, "I know that you think you love him-"

            "I don't think dad," TJ said, "I've never felt this way."

            "And how does it feel?" Bud asked and TJ thought for a minute.

            "It hurts," he finally said, "It really hurts." Bud nodded and waited a moment before replying.

            "Well then maybe it was love," he finally said, "Because love can hurt, especially when something else is tied to that love."

            "Like being sober," Elaine said gently and TJ looked down at his lap.

            "Exactly,"" Bud nodded, "And right now you feel like you can't be sober unless you're with him. Because when you were with him you had someone to tell you how happy they were you were clean and how proud they were of you, right?" TJ nodded and still didn't look at them.

            "And I'm sure coming from him that meant far more than it would coming from us," Bud said, "But even so, TJ, you need to let him go if you ever want to move forward. If you ever want to get sober you need to let go of Sean Reeves." TJ nodded slowly and leaned back into his pillow, leaning against his father's side slightly. Elaine and Bud exchanged another look before they too leaned back slightly. Outside this room and outside their home, they were under constant scrutiny. But right here, in this moment, they were content to sit back in this moment with their son.