him.

"Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel like you. There is something about him that you can't put into words and even though you're not with him, you don't want to let him go."

              There is nothing truer than this. Everything in my heart points me to him. It's almost as if all these excuses of relationships have been showing me everything I want. And all I want is him. The way he makes my heart flutter with just a look or the smile I can never wipe off my face when I think of him, has me hooked. He has flaws, little tendencies that drive me crazy, but none of which I would trade in for anything.  We've each been through hell. Each hell different than the other and it's taught me that each hell takes its own amount of time to recover from. His being more recent, requires love, support, and as much time as he needs. All of which I am more than willing to give him. I can understand why the thought of commitment doesn't seem worth it for him right now. The hell he went through drained him of it and all the love he's capable of giving. However in every relationship I've ever been in, platonic or not, I've always been given up on and never fought for. I can't explain to you the pain and fear that comes from having someone you love not believe that you're worth the daily trials and tribulations that that relationship had dealt. I will never be that person. If I trust you enough to give you what's left of my heart, you better believe I will be fighting for you till the moment I know you've pushed me too far away from your heart for me to ever come back. I've fought and always will continue to fight for him. Normally when the hope of a future is diminished I save myself the heartache of waiting to find out and just make myself immune by moving on to the next thing life has in store for me. But with him it's different. I'm willing to put everything I have on the line just to wait for those beautiful lips to whisper in my ear that he loves me. I'm willing to be what he wants me to be right now, a rock and a best friend, someone to help him through this painful period and be there for him no matter what. I've been this from the beginning, only with a different name at first. Now that my name has changed so has the commitment and it terrifies me because now that I'm less than what I was to him, he can rightly be with someone better than me, someone who's easier to access and comes with less strings attached. I've refused to even admit it to myself until now, fearing that if said, it would bind me to the old habits of giving in to quickly and easily and have the same outcome of those past lovers but after having my name ripped from me it's all that's been roaming through my mind and heart. I love him. Not nearly as much as I know I could, but just enough to know that my heart is his. This terrifies me because of all the past times I've given away my heart to only have it given back in worse shape than before. I'm a fool. Most people learn from their mistakes and I thought I had too. Having your heart used so often you'd think there'd be some sort of hesitance there before giving it away so easily. For a while, that's how it was, my walls were up and I told myself that the next one would have to wait and prove to me they were worthy before getting my heart. Little did I know that there'd be this amazing guy that'd have this insane effect on me and make all my walls come crashing down. Regardless of all the times the world has told me to give him up, regardless of the sacrifices I've made, and regardless of his past I will be by his side, supporting him like I know he supports me and loving him like I hope he will one day learn to love again. I will wait for that day and be there to accept it if that's where his love lies. There's risk in waiting for love. The risk being that that love may never come. A risk I'm terrified to take but I know I'd take a million times even if the outcome were not what I wanted. I know this isn't the end. It's only the beginning, and if his love never comes I know my heart will be capable of loving again but never forgetting the way loving him has changed me and changed my way of thinking. He's made me realize that there are people worth fighting for and that all the times I've been in love before were nothing compared to what's to come even if I don't feel it yet. He made that clear the first time he kissed me, short and sweet it held the beginning of something I thought I couldn't handle at first, something that came out of nowhere and shook up everything in my life. Some people face hardships and give up completely. He didn't. He stayed and I took notice. I realized then that some people won't give up on you the first chance they get. They stick around and make everything worth it. He's worth it. I don't know if he'll ever believe it to be true but he's worth all the heartache and sacrifices. All he has to do is look into my eyes with those deep brown, beautiful eyes of his and the word fades away and everything is okay. There's a saying that sometimes the right love happens at the wrong time, and it keeps embedding itself into my heart. So until the right time opens itself up to us, I'll be here holding his hand, being his rock, and waiting for him.