WARNING: THIS IS BASICALLY JUST A GIRLS THOUGHTS...NO REAL STORY LINE OR ANYTHING...JUST A DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL'S THOUGHTS.
July, 9 2014
Have you ever felt completely alone in a room full of people? I do...every.fucking.day. No one really sees...i try to keep it hidden. I dont want people to feel bad for me, or really even acknowlege the fact that I'm not anything but fine...but I'M NOT OKAY. I feel like shit all the time, and I never feel like leaving the bed in which I spend most of my summer... I just want to lay there. Is it depression? Yes. Is it an illness? Kind of. I beleive that there is a such a thing as love sickness...I fell in love in 7th grade. His name is Zane Jefferson. He is perfect. My best friend Cheyenne says that im too pretty for him. But...Even his looks are astounding. He has blonde hair, glowing blue eyes, and pale white skin that seems to glow in the sun. But his personality makes him the perfect love to a musical ear and itellectual such as myself. He plays the guitar as an angel plays a harp. And knows how to tell a story like Shakespeare. I know that if i told anyone besides Cheyenne they would think im a homewrecker and that i'm a bad person. But he seems happy with Shana and I'm not going to disrupt that. I will just distantly watch as I fall even deeper in love with someone i could see getting married to someone besides me...and me just watching helplessly in the faded background of his memory.
This is why i dont beleive in god. Why would he do something so terrible to someone. Teasing them with someone they cant have? Like a swingset with a sign that says "NO KIDS ALLOWED". I feel alone and desperate. I used to always have a boyfriend or someone to text me in the morning and say "Good morning Beautuful!" or go to the movies with. But not anymore. Now my love life is but an endless hole without a ray of hope or empowerment. A dark, cold place where no one understands and no one is there but me. Just. Fucking. Hell. I can feel this hole getting deeper, and harder to crawl out of. I just want to have confidence and hope again. I just want a chance for happiness. I want out. I dont want to be in love. I want to be normal. I want alot of things, and these are the things that make me miserable. Buddah says that wanting is he root of all misery. Nirvana is the place of no wanting. But i cant help but overwhelmingly want him.
July 10, 2014
Today was a horrible day! My sister,Misty, has a boyfriend named Ulises. I know him fairly well. He always comes over and picks her up from our house and takes her somewhere. I am happy that she is happy but I am not happy that she kind of rubs him in my face. I have had a talk with her about this. I have expressed to her my concerns...I poured my heart out to her. But she still doesnt care. she wants to get even. For what? That is a mystery I've been trying to figure out. You see, me and Misty are not real sisters, we are step sisters. She is only two years older than I am, but she acts seven years younger. I have heard from plenty of people that I am prettier than she is. I, being tall, pale complected, and blonde haired, seem to out-do her in most people's eyes. But not a teenage boy's. Every adult compliments me on my beauty, same with every child and teenage girl. Even some teenage boys say I am beautiful, but don't take any particular interest. My mom says it's because I am conservative, meaning that I cover up and don't show off my tits and really even much of my arms. I can't help but show off my ass. Unless I wear sweatpants every day then there is absolutely no way that I can hide my huge ass. ( that's why black men hit on me all the time!) But other than that I'm all covered up! Misty, on the other hand, even though I have bigger hips, ass, and tits than she does, she will show them off far more than i do! She does this not by accident either, she deliberately shows this off because, quite frankly, she is not a pretty girl. She likes to be fingered and felt up, whereas I like to hold hands and occaisionally kiss. I know this isnt really the teenage fantasy, but that is just how it is! And that's why I don't have a boyfriend, Or Zane for that matter.
October 18, 2014
I have started back at school. Looking at the13 reads I've gotten inspired me to write more. Especially about Zane. On the first day of school, I hopped on the bus, dressed my best, and as soon as I got on I noticed that he rode my bus! He gave me a long hard stare as I claimed my seat in the back beside Cheyenne. We haven't talked hardly AT ALL this whole nine weeks, the nine weeks is over now and I am beginning to regret ever meeting him. It kills me to see him everyday, with his girlfriend who is cuddled up to his arm and watching him be wrapped around her finger. She knows that I have feelings for him. Though I have never met this girl, or talked to her, she read Zane's messages to me and mine to him. Actually, he was the one coming on to me! When he asked me to send a picture of myself, I simply replyed with "Dont you have a girlfriend?". I dont know why I reminded him of his girlfriend when he was talking to ME, but it felt as if it where the right thing to do. I am much more popular than both of them, I am considered preppy (dont ask me why I honestly dont know), and you, the reader, are probably wondering how this could be assumed about such a depressed girl with such deep intelect. Well, honestly, I act NOTHING like my real self at school. The only real friend I have that has saw this deep dark side of me is Cheyenne. So, I dont usually speak with such elegance. But, anyways, I dont understand why I (aka. popular singer who is really intellegent and sweet who has all of the same interests and passions as him, lives just up the road from him, and girl who could love him so much better than her) is jealous of her.
