the jump

  I felt this pit in my stomach like I could cry and I was I wanted to cry and never stop. I was thinking about everything happening in my life and how it was not going my way. Everything I wanted didn't allow me access. Everything I was trying to accomplish always found a way to undo itself. The only thing that I can do right is cry . So I was going to do just that for as long as I wanted. I was going to cry till I felt better if I could ever feel better but nothing was coming out. I felt like a dam that was overloaded ready to burst but nothing was coming out. I was sitting there in my chair looking like an idiot trying to squeeze a single tear out but nothing. Why are you doing this to me I yelled to the heavens why do I get the hard life why do I always have to deal with everyone else's emotions but I can never deal with mine. What kind of bullshit is this. This isn't the kind of life I was meant to live. Why... Drops hit the hardwood floor I felt them slide down my face into oblivion. I guess I wasn't empty they just needed some yelling at to come out. I fell to my knees I wanted to be done I couldn't live anymore I went to the roof of my apartment building and with every step to the ledge I could feel my troubles floating away. I knew this was right in some way like I was doing the a good thing. I just stood there for a couple of seconds just thinking about everything I didn't have to deal with if I took one more step. It was like signing and sealing a contract because in a blink of an eye there were no longer any more steps and I was floating down to my freedom. In those few seconds, you only have so much you can choose to think about it's not going to be that one embarrassing time you fell in front of crush or when you had your first kiss with Jerry in his pickup truck on my first date. It's going to the good one that you shared with family like when my little sister was born or when I had my first dance with my father on his feet when I was a little girl or all the fun adventures we took that always somehow turned into nightmares but that's what I loved about the trips we would have this amazing plan but something would go wrong and change everyone's expectation for the trip but we always ended up having fun and that's what my life has turned into one of those trips where nothing is going right and this fall is the detour that I'm taking to make my life easier.....Goodbye