I remember vividly that day when I got the call. I was on a girly holiday in Europe with my three friends; it was just to get away from all the stress home bought to us and we were only planning on staying a week. We had all left our boyfriends at home as they all had things to do and stuff to catch up on; everyone was doing fine, until the second last day of our holiday.
We had just got back from trying to soak up all of the sun we could before heading home by going down to the beach for a couple hours. We were walking back into our hotel, dressed in tank tops, shorts and flip flops, and laughing about the memories that we had made. I said goodbye to the girls for an hour or so to go and get changed before we went out for our last meal of the holidays and walked into my hotel room. It was quiet as no one had been in there all day. I sat down on the edge of my bed, un-plugged my phone from where it had been charging while we were out, and switched on the screen.
(17) Missed Calls From Jordan<3
(13) Un-Read Messages From Jordan<3
(3) Un-Read Messages From Ryan
(2) Missed Calls From Mama Maron^-^
My head was suddenly filled with worry and confusion and anxiety. Before I even got the chance to input my code so I could see what the messages read, my ringtone – Hold On ‘Till May by Pierce The Veil – started playing out of my phone speakers. I looked at the caller ID and saw ‘Jordan<3’.
Now I had been dating the wonderful Jordan Maron for three years. We met in the last year of college and were inseparable since then. I remember seeing him in the lunch hall, sat on his own wearing a Minecraft creeper t-shirt, a grey beanie and black jeans. I walked over to him, sat at his table and started conversation by saying “I see you’re a minecraft fan, fancy playing together some time?”
I slid my thumb across the bottom of my screen to answer the call and with shaking hands, put the phone up to my ear.
“(Y/N)? I’m sorry if I’m interrupting your holiday but *cough* I have some er, bad news to tell you.” Is what I heard. He sounded so weak, so fragile, that I knew the worst was coming.
“Jordan what’s wrong? And no don’t worry you haven’t interrupted anything.” I replied.
He took a deep breath then said, “For a while I’ve been getting headaches so bad they feel like someone has been hitting my head with a mallet but I just thought it was a side effect from all the video games and youtube so I stopped recording for a bit and just rested, I’m sure you noticed.”
I nodded even though we were just speaking over the phone and said “Uh hu”
“Well the fans were getting worried and wondering why I wasn’t uploading so I started to film an episode of UMS just to get back on track of things, as youtube is my job and all. Then about ten minutes into the recording, I started feeling really dizzy. Then black spots started forming in the corner of my eyes and my head felt like it was being smashed in and I passed out. The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor next to my desk chair. I knew that this was not normal at all so I called up my neighbour and he drove me to the hospital.”
He sighed and I let out a sob that I had been holding in for the entire time he was telling his story. He continued with, “I explained what happened and they gave me a check-up, they then asked me to wait it out for the results to come in. And after half an hour of waiting, the doctor called me back into his office.”
“S-s-so what is it?” I said, stifling a sob, “What’s wrong?”
“An oligodendroglioma. In other words, a brain tumor.”
The tears were streaming now and I let out a sob, “Cancer?”
It was Jordan that sobbed this time before saying, “Yep, I have fucking in-curable cancer.”
Those words just broke me. We both cried over the phone before I plucked up the guts to ask, “How long? How long have you got left?”
He let out the most heart wrenching sigh I had ever heard and said, “Six months, at the most.”
Five Months Later
The doctor had given Jordan six months, but the doctor was wrong. After two months, his hair was gone. At three months, he could barely get out of bed without seeing black and passing out. At four months, he refused to talk to anyone but me, YouTube was long gone out of his mind. And at five months, he and I both knew that his end was coming. I remember the look on his face when he saw himself for the first time with no hair; all you could see in those deep brown eyes was hatred, disappointment and depression. He turned away from the mirror and fell into my arms, sobbing into my hair. That was the moment where it first hit me that I was going to lose my captain.
I sat on my couch, listening to the soft snores and muffles of Jordan sleeping and stared blankly at the wall. I had no tears left to cry, I had no words left to shout, I had no thoughts left to feel. I was empty.
Two Weeks Later
Jordan died last night. He died holding my hand and crying because he knew what was happening to him. He was so weak, so broken and so fragile. I hate myself for writing Jordan in past tense but that’s where he’ll stay, in my past. He won’t be in my present, taking me on cute dates or holding my hand. He won’t be in my future, stood at the alter on our wedding day or stood over our first child’s cot. But he’ll always be in my past. He’ll always be awkwardly asking me out on our first date, he’ll always be hugging the ever living crap out of me when I told him I got my dream job, and he will always be holding my hand and telling me he’s fine while the cancer was eating away at his brain.
Jordan never wrote a will, he was too sick when he realised that he needed to and had never even thought about it before that, but I thought we both owed something to youtube. The channel had been sitting and collecting dust for the past six months and people had given up hope of Jordan ever making another video. But they still thought he was alive, somewhere out there, living his life. I hated myself for it, but I knew I had to be the one to break it to them.
I walked into his office and tried to ignore the grief that was crushing me; no one had been in here since his death. I found his camera and tripod sitting on the couch and set them up. I pressed the little red record button and started talking.
“What’s that stupid intro he used to do? Oh yeah I remember. Alright, what’s going on dudes and welcome to another vlog thing! I realise that you have all been shocked after seeing this in your sub box and quickly clicked on it to find a random girl mimicking Jordan, sorry about that. Jordan never introduced me to you dudes, my name is (Y/N) and I had been Jordan’s girlfriend for a couple years. I really, really hoped these words would never leave my mouth but Jordan was sick, very sick. He had oligodendroglioma which was a type of brain tumour. He simply could not record anything without passing out and honestly, youtube was the last of my worries. Jordan fought it for a very long time but in the end of it all, it was un-curable and the cancer took him away from us.”
The first tear of many slipped down my face and I quickly wiped it away before continuing.
“He was the strongest fighter that I had ever seen and he held on for so long. I never ever thought I would be addressing Jordan in past tense but that’s where he is now guys, in our pasts. But don’t you ever fucking forget him. He was a sailor lost at sea for many months, living alone on his ship. But then a storm hit, and his boat was destroyed. He was left stranded in the middle of the ocean, cold and alone. But this captain remembered that he had a whole crew to look after and search for, and that determination kept him alive and floating for weeks. But there comes a day where every bird has to fly, there comes a point where every rose has to die. And eventually, all captains have to leave their crew behind. Our captain stayed true for us for as long as he could, but then got washed away by the strong current of life. Our captain is gone, but will never be forgotten. So long and goodnight everybody.”
My shaking finger pushed down on the button, and the recording stopped.
