The Green House

i| 04

04

2018[age 19]

Ajsa

I tapped my feet on the white tiles that were now smudge free, the janitor cleaned the scrapes off my floor erasing Mrs. Montgomery's traces of ever being in the room. He also threw away my post-its.

"What are you thinking about?" Mr. Nero's square face caught my attention, I watched him move anxiously in his seat as if he was discovering a breakthrough.

"I was just thinking about the pretty leaves outside" I lied, I lied but that didn't stop me from walking up to my window and forcing my hands to grip onto the windowsill. My eyes watched leaves fall from towering trees and I noticed I had missed this weather. Missed the leaves. I admire them for a moment more before turning back to Nero. I kept my hands on the windowsill as I made eye contact with him.

"Aren't they pretty?" I proposed and turned back to the view; I tilted my head wondering where the leaves would end up. I sighed and pried my hands off the frame of the window.

"Why yes, I love this time of year" His poshy accent filled the silence that was previously held in the air.

"I almost forgot how it felt" I edged him on before he took out his pencil to start writing notes and I narrowed my eyes on his small frame for a man. "If we are going to do this, you will not take notes on me like I'm a test subject." My voice pierced through his thin armor as he hesitantly set the pencil down and clasped his hands together around his knee.

"I almost forgot how it felt" I repeated myself with a glare to Nero "How it felt to be normal" I finished as I could see Nero just inching towards the pencil he let go onto the floor.

"What do you mean Ajsa?" He shook his head in confusion and I really did think he was an idiot now but I set aside my mean thoughts.

"At times I would be laying down and remember that I was out of milk or that I had wanted a bagel and I would put on my clothes and lace up my shoes and go.." I stopped myself and drawled out my words "go nowhere. I would go nowhere. Because I would remember I can't go outside, and I can't shop for simple things like groceries anymore." I dragged my eyes away from his face and back onto my shoes.

"I would wake up some mornings and smell a certain smell or remember something and I would miss it, I missed the unpredictability of the outside world and I missed the havoc it caused. I still miss it" I put my pointer finger on my chin and leaned my weight onto one arm that was rooted in place next to me on the bed.

"I don't know" I shrugged and Nero nodded his head

"It's perfectly normal to feel that way, to feel as everything is changing, you need stability Ajsa and that's something you never got as a child. It can be really devastating throughout the important stages of a child to receive a stable home and family." He took a jab at my childhood with that comment and I knew he had to have asked around for that information.

"I see you've been brushing up on my files." I dusted my hands off and stared at him.

"Well, it is only my job to know my patients" A pit of fire began to grow within me, how is it fair for him to know my personal life but all I know about the sucker is that he's clumsily annoying. He's worse than Mrs. Montgomery I've decided.

Hmm I let out with a nod of the head, afraid if I opened my mouth I would say something I would regret. I wasn't in the mood to share anything else as I sat there quietly. Apparently he didn't know what to say either.

"So you think I'm a murderer now?" My eyes were glossy as I venomously asked him my question. It took him a while to formulate a response.

"I think," He re-adjusted his tie "that your actions were influenced by the way you were raised." He seemed proud of his answer as he met my eyes. His hair fell in front of his eyes as he was quick to push it back up.

I bit my tongue to prevent myself from saying anything.

"So.." He drawled out in awkward silence "can you tell me what you are feeling?"

"Angry" I quickly shut my mouth afraid if I open it again unwanted words would come rushing out.

"And why are you angry?"

A giggle ruptured in my chest but I suppressed the feeling to laugh. I set my lips in a straight thin line and pressed the against each other in thought.

"I..I don't know." I set my hands in my lap and fiddled with the ring around my pointer finger.

"Who gave you that ring Ajsa?" He crossed his hands across his chest and leaned backwards into the chair.

I looked at the ring and the shining amethyst stared back at me. The white gold band had small indentations evenly spaced out with very small diamonds shoved in the crevasse I almost didn't even notice them. The gem was a square shape held on each corner by a small ball like stand.

"My grandmother." I lied because it was much better than saying I stole the ring from my grandmother's house when she was having a stroke and didn't notice me slip it into my pocket.

"Where did she get it?" He asked me and I knew he had read enough of my file to know my family was not rich, far from it actually.

"It was a family heirloom" I truthfully stated

He let out a low hmm "Why did she give it to you?"

"She said I'd do it more justice because she couldn't wear it anymore" My mind rambled as excuses slipped from my mouth before I could stop the words from bunching into sentences.

"And why not?" He questioned

"Because it didn't fit her anymore."

I drew a quiet sharp breath as he nodded in understanding.

"Why didn't she give it to your mother who would one day give it to you? Why would she skip her and go to you?" His eyebrow raised in a menacing way and he looked like those interrogating cops my brother and I used to watch on tv.

"We moved around a lot and my mother found some odd jobs, nursing home assistant, secretary, deli worker, bar waitress" I listed off the most recent jobs she was known to have "And her mother was so disappointed that she married my father and lived the way she did" I shook my head "She was ashamed. And because we moved around a lot we never saw her and even if we were in Colorado-where she lived- we never visited." I truthfully told him and felt a little lighter.

"But one day, mom got a call- grandma was sick. She was really sick" Her chalky last image flashed behind my closed eyelids "And we went to visit her and" I stopped and opened my eyes

"And she gave me the ring." I finished before my grandmothers pasty face flashed next to Nero's head. Her warm smile gave off a homey feeling and I smiled at her.