As a person I feel emotions the same as anyone else, I can cry through being emotionally upset or even happy, I can be ecstatic and filled with glee, everything is possible. But I struggle to feel an overwhelming happiness in my life, for the most part I feel the overwhelming strain, pressure, sadness and more, something that people my age shouldn't have to worry about, people my age shouldn't have to fear about being alone because they don't know where their mind will venture to. The places I venture to are baron, the only life around is that of my demons, the remanence of what lived in these places lay as shadows forever haunting me, everyone looking similar to that of those I have come closest to and felt as if I have lost, or shadows of those that could have been so much more within my life.
On one occasion my venturing took me to the outside of my school. The sun was setting, orange cascaded down every surface, as I walked out of the building all but the wind could be heard, it sounded and looked like the most serene place I have ever seen. Demons have ways of changing what is comfortable to fearful. Upon looking forward the tree swayed in the wind, a slight wisp of noise from the leaves rubbing against each other, its shadow laying upon the building opposite, shadows seemed to hide something, from where I was I couldn't see. I stood and stared at that one spot for what could be felt like hours as time seemed to be frozen, now the area around me fell silent, and all motion left. Within an instant all of those I love and care about dearly lay on the floor in pools of blood.
Eyes closed.
All that I loved gone.
I fell slowly, dragging my legs to my chest. In fear I wanted to protect myself, sitting in a paralysis. Forever and forever. Nothing but the feeling of wanting to end myself and get this hell out of my mind and eyes.
See venturing for some is the best thing in the world, they can live out their most amazing dreams, these only come a few times and I hold onto these as if they were the last drop of water in a desert. Venturing doesn't always happen in dreams, sometime simply sitting, walking or talking to other people can make my mind venture to places I wish wouldn't show, these only make me feel as if my life has come to nothing, that all I can do is end the pain. Many of times while walking my mind will venture towards letting go of this life, as busses and cars pass so does my thought towards what it shouldn't, towards the quick and simple end. All of this brings on emotions one should never feel, sometimes it feels nice to think about going to another life or going to an empty darkness where I won't feel anything anymore, but just as this happens the feelings of losing everything I love will overtake all of these emotions.
For me my friends and family are everything, without seeing my friends I feel like a porcelain doll that has no emotions, and that even the simplest touch will break me into a million pieces, without my family I feel lost within the world. This is why every day I try to spend as much time with my friends and talk to them as much as possible to create memories I can use to fight off the darkness.
My Saturdays now help me even more, being able to just be myself, dance, sing and act as myself in front of all of these people, those I now see as some of my closest friends, helps me every day, the memories I am creating are improving my life in a way which I will never understand, but away from them I feel the doubt in me towards what I am and can be. Venturing towards the dreams that leave me awake at night but happy, I am with those I feel closest to and have created some of my best memories with.
In this case I am at my performing arts school, everyone is stood in front of me, I am having to sing, anxiety fills me up, but everyone looks at me in a way which is comforting. I start to sing, and it's a duet, a million dreams from the greatest showman, fear filters through my voice, I look towards the ground, I feel the slight heat from someone else as this person grabs my hand and puts the other onto my shoulder, the look she gives me fills me with glee as she nods. I open my heart to create a flood amongst everyone, putting the most effort into everything I do and sing, as she begins to sing I give her the same look, a way of giving each other the courage to go on, her voice bounces throughout the room. As the next part begins we both sing and our voices combine to create the most beautiful noise, all around people clap, she hugs me. Against my knowledge I find out that one of the teachers is recording us, the video is posted online and the world is able to see us at our most vulnerable point, but all that is received is support. My friends from afar get me involved in new projects within the school to bring out the real me, and those who saw me first hand wouldn't let me forget how the true me, the thing inside that doesn't show until I have been pushed to the limit. Happy, bubbly and amazing. The person on the inside that I hide from the world to protect myself from being hurt by those I love the most.
I don't know how I am going to cope in the future. At the moment I am struggling to see me for who I really am, and in some time when I have surgery I know that my image, the thing I create, is going to become corrupted.
I need help from those who are closest as I know that I am struggling to help myself, they are the only things that will keep me going.
