You were 11, I was 13. Your sister and I were on the same middle school volleyball team. From the day I first met you, I knew you were something special. From then on, your sister and I grew closer and closer. I spent more time around her, you and your whole family. They became my family, but that only meant I wasn't allowed to date you. It was forbidden by both your mom and your sister. But that was okay, it gave me the chance to get to know you, to really get to know the real you. And I grew to love that person.
We spent weekends, breaks, summers and countless vacations together. From family vacations at the lake, weekend bonfires, movie nights, and spur of the moment family dinners. My love for you as a person grew each and every day.
For the first few years it was just a crush, and I never knew if you felt the same. Our families constantly joked about how we would grow up and get married because we were the same person, same interests, same life goals. We were the modern day Romeo and Juliet. All the stupid, corny, cheesy country love songs fit our situation perfectly, but we couldn't do anything about it...
It wasn't until the summer of 2012 until we tested the waters. I broached the subject of "what if we actually ended up getting married in the future"... and you didn't turn the idea down. You didn't hesitate to agree, not once. We started talking about the "what if's" and decided nothing good could come of trying to convince your family it was a good idea...
So instead, we just kept things on the down low. We started talking about the future, your dreams, goals and aspirations and mine as well. It couldn't be any more perfect... We couldn't be any more perfect. You were my perfect match, my dream come true.
As the days and weeks passed, the feelings only grew stronger. We started to test the limits and see what we could get away with. Movie weekends turned into holding hands secretly under the blankets because "we were all cold". The chemistry was unbelievable and out of this world. The butterflies came the moment I saw you no matter where, when or what we were doing. All you had to do was give me that smirky little smile and my heart melted.
It wasn't until July 4th, 2012 until we had our first kiss. The night after our families went to Red, White and Boom like we did every year. I went back home for a sleepover with your sister and all 4 of us; me, your sister, you and your best friend, and we decided to watch a movie in the basement because none of us were tired yet. As we were laying there, cuddled up together like usual, because the couch could barely fit all 4 of us without squishing together. You casually "stretched out" and had your arm around my shoulder because you "didn't have any arm room". Laying there in the dark, playing with my hair, my head on your shoulder, and us both as content as could be. It couldn't get any more perfect. Until it did...
Your sister got tired and decided to go to bed, but told me it was cool if I wanted to finish the movie, so obviously I stayed. So now it was just the 3 of us. Your best friend went upstairs to get something to drink or eat, or both, I cant remember. And then it happened. This moment we had both been waiting for. You looked at me and I at you and you whispered this simple phrase that I will never forget.
"This will either be the best or worst decision of my life..." I wasn't quite sure what he meant until he gently brushed my hair back, looked into my eyes and leaned in to kiss me. It was perfect. My heart skipped a beat, the butterflies in my stomach turned into a swirling tornado of emotion and the whole world stopped just for that moment. In that moment, nothing else mattered, no one else mattered, everything was perfect.
Thompson Square said it best when they wrote, "It was the best dang kiss that I ever had, except for that long one after that..." From that moment on, I knew you were the only man who would ever hold my heart. And you have held my heart ever since that day.
As time went on, the feelings grew stronger, the love I felt only grew and I couldn't see my life without you in it. And then the day came where we had to make a decision... to try to make it work or not. We talked for days and days about it and could not decide. We finally decided that our love would never be accepted by your family... We couldn't make it work at the time. So we "ended it". We knew that continuing to keep this secret would only cause harm and eventually we would be found out. Neither of us were willing to risk it.
So we moved on... we still talked daily, spent weekends, holidays, vacations and any time we possibly could together. But as friends. Kind of...
There was still the spark, we still snuck around and held hands under the blankets during movie nights, and snuck a kiss or 2 when no one was around, but it wasn't quite the same. I still felt the same about you and you told me you still felt the same about me. But there was no way we could ever make it work while we were still both under our parents roofs.
Our families still joked that we would grow up and get married... and we both wished for that! However, we knew it couldn't be a reality for the time being. So, instead, you found a way to assure me you still cared about me and loved me. You gave me a sterling silver infinity promise ring as a "joke". But I will never forget what you said when you gave it to me...
"Katelyn, I love you. And even though we can't be together, this ring is to show you that I want you. I want you to be my wife someday. Will you marry me?"
I wore that ring every single day. Day or night. I wore that ring, and when someone asked me about it, I simply said, "Oh, it's just my fake engagement ring" and then laughed. But it wasn't fake to us. It was the realist thing in my life. It was the real representation of our love. It gave me hope for our future and hope in our love.
In the years following, you grew up and so did I. You found a girl you liked and dated for a while. It broke me. I knew we couldn't be together, but it still hurt that you were enjoying life with someone else... kissing someone else... loving someone else. But I began to understand that it was okay. You were happy, most of the time, and that's all I cared about. You were happy, loved, and I couldn't ask for anything more. If I couldn't be with you, at least you were with someone who made you happy.
I finally had hope again... you had recently broken things off with your girlfriend of almost 3 years. You were almost 18, ready to head off to boot camp and finally able to make decisions of your own! It was my time. It was OUR time. That is when things began to finally look up.
We began the "What If" talks again...
"What if we causally start spending more time together... just us?"
"What if we rekindle what we had years ago?"
"What if we could make this work finally..."
You had your life plan all set up; basic training, schooling, deployment and then your life. And you wanted ME to be apart of it. ME! FINALLY! You knew your family could no longer stand in the way. You knew we could no longer be told "NO". It was time; or so I thought.
This is the part of the story that really SUCKS... because the story, our story, is coming to an end... Just as we began to get things going again, they were brought to an abrupt halt.
On April 30th, 2016 my whole world was brought to a screeching halt. I got the call that you had been killed in a tragic, horrific and sudden car accident mere miles from my house. You were gone. My whole world; the only and truest love of my life, gone. Out of no where, what I thought was going to be the beginning of our future, was now the end of our story. I was lost, confused, empty, and completely broken. The only man I had ever truly loved had been taken from me without warning.
I could write a book about all the emotions I felt and feel on a daily basis, but I'm learning to cope with the loss of you. You were the first man I loved, the only man I have ever been in love with, and the man who will forever hold my heart. You were my world, my light, my hope and my strength. Even though you are no longer here, you will always be the best part of me.
Our love story may not be typical, but it was and is the best thing to ever happen in my life. You were my best friend, my whole world and the love of my life. I will never forget you, and I will always love you.
