A Lost Letter

A LOST LETTER

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 Steven Hansom, Governor

Agamemnon Blunderache, '48 comrade-in-arms

Zachary Doddery, Chairman of the Permanent Committee, Chairman of the Electoral Committee, Chairman of the School Board, Chairman of the Agricultural Board, as well as of other boards and committees.

Jim McPlatter, attorney, member of the above-mentioned committees

Joe O'Feta, same as above

Nick Yapper, attorney, owner and editor-in-chief of "The Carpathian Roar" daily, Chairman and Founding Member of the Encyclopedic-Cooperative Nonprofit Corporation "The Romanian Economy Aurora"

Jones, teacher, reporter at the above-mentioned newspaper, and member of the above-mentioned nonprofit corporation

Smith, teacher, same as above

Boris Turnip, town cop

A Sloshed Citizen

Zoe Doddery, Don Zachary's wife

A house servant

Voters, Citizen, Public

 Action takes place in the capital of a mountainous state, in our days.

 ACT I

(An elegantly furnished anteroom. Backstage, a large door, with two side windows. On the right, towards the back, one door; on the left, close to the front, another door. On the left, front-stage, a sofa and an armchair.)

 SCENE I

Hansom, slightly irritated, paces the room, with "The Carpathian Roar" in his hands. He is wearing a dressing gown. Turnip is standing near the door.

Hansom: (reading aloud from the newspaper) "... shame on our city for allowing itself to be brought to its knees by one man!... Shame on this step-motherly government that allows one of the proudest states in the nation to fall into the talons of a vampire!..." (indignantly) Me, a vampire, eh? Ridiculous!

Turnip: Clean ridiculous!... Excuse me for asking, Don Steve: bampire, what's a bampire?

Hansom: One who... who sucks the folk's blood! Fancy that! Me, sucking the folk's blood!

Turnip: Fancy that, indeed! You, sucking the folk's blood! I'll say!

Hansom: The scoundrel!

Turnip: Clean scoundrel!

Hansom: The filthy dog!

Turnip: Clean filthy!

Hansom: Just you wait! He ain't gonna get the votes, I promise!

Turnip: No way he's gonna get 'em!

Hansom: In spite of all of his teachers' endorsement, in spite of his royal pain-in-the-neck corporation... He ain't got a snowball in hell chance to get it. I'll bet my moustache on it!

Turnip: And I'll bet mine, too!

Hansom: Anyway, forget about that. Let him howl all he wants, like the mad dog he is!