Lethal Lust

27 | one last time

"I realise that I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now. But...it kills me that I had to hear about what happened to Jax from a complete stranger and it hurts even more that I didn't get to see him one last time, that I wasn't even invited to the funeral...

You're probably wondering why I'm leaving you this message and to be honest, I'm wondering the same because I know whatever I say to you is completely futile. I realise that nothing I say can ever make up for those childhood years that you and Jax lost because of me and your father. But I can spend the rest of my life trying to be here for you. So Kylie, if you do need someone to talk to, not just about Jax but about anything as stupid and small as it may be, I'm always here for you and you have my number now too so..."

Kylie hurled her iPhone 7 away from her ear and onto the carpet below, frustrated at the mere sound of the voice. Of course, none of this was Libby's fault and she knew that Jax would've wanted her to finish listening to the voicemail recording Libby had left for her but right now, she could barely muster up the strength to forgive herself, let alone find it within herself to forgive Libby. And perhaps, this was Kylie's biggest downfall.

Instead, she lay burrowed between Jax's bedsheets in the tiny box that had once been his childhood bedroom. She silently eyed the tiny handprints coating the turquoise coloured walls; the tiny hands being the only witnesses of her pain. She welcomed the faint memory of how she and Jax had painted their hands and then planted their fingerprints against his unscathed bedroom walls.

Oh, how their father had despaired at the mere sight.

She wished now, lying in her older brothers bed, she would've felt some connection to him again. That perhaps the bedsheets may have smelt like his favourite blueberry extract exfoliator; a smell that always seemed to linger on his being. However, the only smell enveloping Kylie was the one of the washing up liquid their mother used.

"Kylie?" Seb stood at the doorway and offered a small smile. His eyes were bloodshot and evidential enough to prove that he was struggling as much as she was, but she didn't recall a single moment where the soft smile dissipated from his lips.

She knew it was only for her and Valerie's benefit because if Seb broke down, it'd only be moments before both of them would quickly give up too.

"How do you do it? How do you get up every morning? Where do you find that kind of strength, Seb?" She whispered, the crackles in her voice imminent.

"Because of Jax. I know he wouldn't have wanted us to be moping around, crying over him. He'd never want to see you like this, Kylie."

"He's gone forever, Seb. We're never going to see him again. We're never going to hear his stupid jokes again. We're never going to hear him laugh. I'll never be able to hear him shout and stop me from making the mistakes that'll ruin my life again." She answering, ignoring his previous weak plea. The guilt washed over her for the hundredth time as she recalled how she'd ignored her brothers' warning and how he'd ended up paying the biggest price for her and Elijah's mistake.

"I don't know what to say to you. It feels so unreal as though he's just going to burst through those front doors again but we both know he won't. And as impossible as it may be, we have to try...we have to try and accept that he...he just won't." Seb replied, claiming a seat at the foot of the bed. "How about we go downstairs, yeah? You haven't eaten properly in days, Val's getting worried about you. You're withering away, Kylie."

Kylie abruptly turned onto her side, hauling the covers over her head, ignoring his request as she had for the past week. How could she eat when Jax wouldn't be there eating with her, how could she face sitting at that broken dinner table again when the last time she'd been there was when Jax had been sitting opposite her?