Endless

60 Days Before

60 DAYS BEFORE

The cold concrete seeps into every single bone in my body as I lie on my back, inside the expensive hotel bathroom. My stomach constricting trying so hard to remove the unwanted toxins I willingly added to my system. The echoing footsteps from the loby frighten me as the possible approach of a stranger could end my plan in its tracks. Unvoluntarily my body arches off the hard tiles as it begins to convulse violently. The creek of the door as it is pushed open and the faint giggles of friends are the last things ringing in my ears as I plunge into darkness.

* * *

My mind is dark, empty, freeing, the way i've wanted it to be for so long. It's as if someone has pushed pause on my life, on my pain, on my anxiety. The darkness is endless and welcoming, my demons gone. Erased forever they way it should be. The body beneath me, the one that used to be mine, is numb and one I can no longer associate with. I begin to settle into my new fate, accepting it with open arms, allowing the painless world to wash over me. Then it comes rushing back hard and fast as if someone has suddenly pushed play.

My head swims with every demon, every thought screaming at me from every angle of the darkness. I can not see them, I can not fight them and at first I can not hear them. Not clearly anyway, it's just on going mumbles that leave me closed in and helpless. My body becomes my own again and as I slowly become more aware and threatened, I turn and run. Where I am going I do not know as I can not see anything and the darkness just seems to expand around me. Pain wracks through my body, sharp pains in my stomach, I double over, clutching at my sides as I crash to the cold floor. I pull my bruised knees to my chest as the pain becomes overwelming, tears slowly streaming down my pale, sunken face.

The words circling in the air become increasingly louder and clearer. "You failed," "It really isn't that hard," "Why can't you get anything right?" They shoot into me like daggers, piercing and ripping apart the most vunerable parts, exposing my flaws for them to feed on. "You are so fat," "stop eating," "you just had to swallow those pills, how did you screw that up?" "we will get you next time." The air seems to be sucked out from around me, before it returns full force crashing down in its suffocating weight. My throat begins to close in and my breaths come short and quick, when my mouth begins to feel like its being forced open. Something cold and thick roughly forces its way down my raw throat, making its way intrusively into my body. The voices fade away as I feel the empty numbness consume me.

* * *

I regain consiousness to a pulling feeling from inside me, I open my eyes as I gasp for breath, to find spindly fingers reaching into my heart. They move away once it locates what it wants, retracting with a piece of wispy smoke between it's fingers. A throaty laugh reachs for me through the darkness as the hand places the smoke within my eyes, and there it is, as if it happened yesterday. The part I had hidden away deep inside myself, is now there in front of me, sending me back. The crashing weight of his body, on top of me. Too small to help myself. His eyes endless, deep pools of blue, the ones he genetically had shared with me.