I stare at my phone screen and a harsh reality stares back at me. It's clearly my fault for opening snapchat in the first place but I couldn't resist. A social media app that was once a pleasure, now turns into an addiction that is difficult to break but that is not what's painful. I stare at my friend's story with disbelief and sadness. There is a party of some sorts and all my friends are there...but why am I not there? Did my friend forget to invite me or was it intentional? Do people not want me around? Then again, what was I expecting when this has happened on numerous occasions?
Some may say that it's purely an accident, but others would say it is because I am not close enough to them. The other's words consume me and make me feel small and insignificant. It doesn't matter if I've known them for years or if we share close bonds; In their minds, I am nothing to them. Every post of a party, dinner or hangout breaks my morale and lowers it to the point where I have nothing. Thoughts start to fill my weak and helpless mind. It's because you are annoying. You're not fun to be around. You're not close enough to them to be friends. You were never a friend to them. You are nothing.
I am nothing.
Was I ever really a friend to them? I don't know. It seems more likely that I'm a backup friend; One that one turns to when they have no other choice. The last choice. The scraps that no one wants unless they were starving and had no other choice but to eat. But why me? Am I too nice? Too kind? Am I someone that they can use when it's convenient for them and trash when they don't need me? Again, what was I expecting? I've put up with this for 19 years and yet I still can't seem to learn my lesson.
Maybe it's my fault after all, I think. Maybe if I didn't do so many extracurricular activities that took away my time from my friends, maybe we would be closer. I pause at that thought and scoff. Ridiculous. Why must I give up the things that I love to fit in and feel accepted by people who clearly don't give a damn. If I had to choose between an activity that genuinely made me happy and friends who seemed okay but stabbed me in the back countless times what would I choose?
People like that don't deserve my company, I concluded. People who make me feel like I am nothing, don't deserve my time. It's better to be happy and doing what I love with one than be sad and insecure with many. I dry my tears. I may feel like nothing now, but my heart is already repairing itself and my self esteem is slowly building. Soon I will be myself again.
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts of a Person That Many May Not Understand
Non-FictionThoughts of my life that may be sad and depressing at times but can also be happy and uplifting at other times. Pretty personal but it's my way of venting.
