Harry Potter and the Cool Wizard Rock.

Chapter One. That baby's fuckin alive.

The Dursley's were the most normal family in their neighborhood. Mr. Dursley worked at an average factory, that made average drills, for an average pay. He lived in an average home, drove an average car, and had an average wife. The only thing that wasn't average about Mr. Dursley was his weight, because he was morbidly obese.

Mrs. Dursley enjoyed not minding her business and not minding her child either. She had a particular knack for ignoring anything that was even slightly abnormal. She had a long, skinny neck which helped her shove her head up her own ass.

Smallish Dursley, whose parents tragically named Dudley, looked most like a large mass of generic flesh. His brain was small so he communicated in mostly grunts, screams, and the occasional belch.

While making his way to work one day Mr. Dursley saw some strange cat reading a map. Starting to think he was on drugs he drove away. As Mr. came to a full and completed stop before turning at a stop sign he noticed some strange homeless man in a cloak, petting an owl, and muttering something about Harry Potter under his breath. 'Probably Crack' thought Mr. Dursley.

By the time he was at work Mr. Dursley was starting to think his city had a drug problem. Strange people moved about the streets all of them huddling close and muttering under their breath. The entire air around them felt different. Mr. Dursley was sure they were smoking something. He wasn't sure how to handle all these good for nothing pottheads so he ate an entire jar of cheese puffs. By the time work had ended Mr. Dursley has probably gained a few wrinkles and at least 3lbs.

Finally, Mr. Dursley made it home. Locking his door and making sure his shotgun was within reach. He wouldn't want one of those crack heads to break into his home in the middle of the night. He pecked Smallish Dursley on the check, Mrs. Dursley on the lips, and the shotgun he had on the barrel. Then, he went off to bed.

Once night feel and all of the Dursley's has fallen asleep, something stirred in the darkness. A man had appeared at the end of the street. He was old with a long beard. The newcomer wore robes that were an absurd color. He sat down next to the cat and pulled out a strange lighter.

"Care for a joint, Minerva?" He said.

Suddenly the cat transformed. Standing there now was an older woman wearing dark robes and frowning disapprovingly.

"I thought I told you no drugs on the job, Albus." She spoke.

Albus merely put down one of the joints he was holding, and lit up the other.

"Is it true?" Minerva asked.

"Yeah, it's true." He drawled.

"Then they really are dead?" Tears formed in her eyes.

"Yep, lol fuckin Rip." Albus replied.

Minerva's angry retort was cut off by the arrival of a literal flying motorcycle. Neither she nor Albus seemed fazed by this turn of events. The motorcycle hit the ground with a thud. It swerved a bit, before driving off of the road and into one of the yards near by. A very large bear-like man stepped out of it, l looking at the yard he had just torn up.

"Sorry 'bout that." He stated.

"It's cool Hagrid" Albus said, "how is he?"

"He's doing about as good as any kid who's parents just got fuckin murdered" Said Hagrid as he gave a small child to Albus.

The three of them walked up the street a bit more. Albus turned to the house in front of him. Although they were outside they could hear one of its inhabitants snoring.

"This is where you live now" Albus said setting the child down on the hard concrete doorstep.

"Is that all?! That's all your going to do?! Just leave him there?!" Cried Minerva

"Shut it Minerva" Albus snapped, placing a letter on top of the baby he had just dumped. He turned and walked away.

Not wanting to be left behind, the other two followed.

"It has been a long day, I believe drinks are in order? Come along tequila shots are on me." Albus waved along the other two.

And so without another word to the infant left outside, Or the fact that they had just committed an actual felony; the three climbed onto the motorcycle and drove away into the night.