Dear Diary,

24/6/2018 11:57pm

Dear diary,
It's kind of cliche starting something like that, it's something you see in movies. I've read about how a diary can help you, like a kind of therapy. I can hardly talk about my problems to people and knowing that literally anyone with a smartphone will be able to read about my life kind of scares me, but hey, I'm trying to be more adventurous.

I guess I will just start with a little bit about me, I will get to writing about my problems later, a little insight about who I am and the kind of person I am might be a good thing to do.

My name is Courtney and I am 16 years old. I live in Australia and I would say I am a very complex person. To the eye I probably look just look like a normal teenage girl with a simple life, but that is very far from the truth. I love music, this is also cliche but I don't know where I would be without music. I feel like I can seriously block out anything with music, no matter what I'm going through music will always be there and I love that so much.

You'll find out more about me as this diary progresses, not that I'm a very interesting person.

So getting into the real stuff;
My mother and father split up while I was young, I was 8 I think. We used to live in Sydney but when the big break up happened we moved to Victoria. I have not seen my dad in 5 years and that has been effecting me greatly these past couple weeks. It's a long story as to why I haven't seen him in such a long time, maybe I'll get into it later on when I'm more comfortable with this whole 'posting my feelings online'thing.
My dad is in jail, a bombshell, I know. He went to jail for drink driving and crashing into someone's house. My father is, and always has been an alcoholic. I have not spoken to my dad in 2 months and it's honestly breaking me. But it's hard for me to talk to him,  it really does make me sad. Knowing I won't see him for another 3 years of my life, knowing he not only put himself in danger, but the lives of the 2 other people that were in the car.

It's kind of selfish if I'm honest, not talking to him because it makes me sad. I know it makes him sad not talking to me, but I feel like it kind of serves him right you know?

He's never put that much effort into our relationship, I felt like I've always been begging to have a sturdy relationship with him yet he didnt feel like same way. It's kind of fucked up right? Begging for a relationship with your own father?

No one close to me really knows how much this effects me, at all. I don't like talking about my feelings, I get awkward and my anxiety goes off tap even when I think about actually talking to someone about it.

So how am I actually feeling?
Sad. I am so very sad. My heart feels like it has been stepped on, no stomped on. Repeatedly. I feel not worthy of love, I mean if my own father doesnt love me how will anyone else? He has continously put alcohol before me and it hurts so fucking bad. Thinking about him really hurts so I try not to do it often, although missing him is just becoming to much lately. I really cant believe his in jail, it's so crazy to me. I cried and cried and cried when he went to jail, it was kind of stupid really? It's not like I was going to see him anyway, he really did not put any effort in to see me.

My mother is seriously the strongest person I know. My dad really was a jerk and knowing she put up with him  for us kids really shows how strong she is.

Anyway, I think that's enough for tonight. I will probably write again tomorrow, I have endless amounts of problems and feelings I can write about, I just feel more comfortable talking about my dad as of now, I've talked about him a lot. Writing about the things I've actually never told anyone will be harder, but I feel as though it may actually help.

Good night-or good morning, maybe good after noon?

Signing out, Courtney x