Wavering Hearts

Chapter 1: Guilt and Hurt

All I can see are faces of despair and pity. Everyone is plain sad because, this day, we are saying goodbye to a person that we had considered as good and pure as an angel.

I don’t know how many times I had thought about the same idea right now.  What if I just followed what she told me that day? What if my sister, just once, acted selfish towards me?  What if she didn’t save me?

There are too many people who are crying. I can’t help but feel responsible towards that. If only I was the one that was hit by that car, then maybe there won’t be this many people that are mourning today.

I felt really guilty; I made them feel this way, especially my mother, now there's only two of us. We lost our support in the family. Mom and I weren’t that strong but she was our foundation. But now we had lost her, like dad.

And most of all I felt really sorry for him. I felt sorry to the person that I love for I am the reason why he lost his one and only love.

*flashback

My sister and I are walking back home after going to the convenience to buy ice cream and I decided to ask her the question that I really want to ask.

“Why can’t you just go out with Kuya Clarence? Ang dami na niyang nagawa para sayo eh! And now he finally had that courage to ask you out and you just told him to wait?” I said with my irritation clear on my voice.

Why can’t she see how great Kuya Clarence is?

“I know you can’t understand it. We’ve been together for how many years as BESTFRIENDS. I don’t even know if I can think of him as someone more than that. And what if we did have a relationship and it won’t work out? Surely, I would lose him after that. I can’t let that happen because his far too important to me.”, answered Ate Coleen.

“Can’t you see that you’re just making excuses? If you ask me I think you also like him.”

“I like him but.. Anyway, napapansin ko masyado mong pinagtatanggol si Clarence ah. Does that mean something?.. I was about to answer when she got distracted when a car passed us by..

“And I think you’re too near to the main road, come walk beside me.” she said.

“No, it doesn’t mean anything, I just like Kuya Clarence. Never mind that I am walking near the main road, it’s not crowded anyway. Don’t worry, it’s not like I would be hit by a car.”

*end of flashback

I was so lost in my thoughts that I only came back to my senses when I heard his voice. It was his turn to say goodbye.

“Even from our moments before, I can’t help but feel that sometimes I’m going to lose you the next second. You’re that girl who has her wings spread widely and you were not afraid to take flight and follow your dreams..” You can hear the sadness and pain through his words.

I didn’t hear the rest of his words because I already lost control and just cry to myself.

 I felt a comforting hand to my shoulders and I looked up to see that it was my sister’s friends.. I know that I should also feel sorry towards myself because I just lost a sister but knowing that it was my fault, I can’t help but feel that I don’t even deserve other’s sympathy. My sister was really GOOD to me. If you ask me, I think she always put me first but I guess I'm still immature especially that day.. I don't think she deserve what happened to her because of me..

I only know that his speech came to an end because I heard his last words , ‘I will always love you’.. Other people’s tears became more evident because of his touching words.. And that also affected me..

I am supposed to tell my speech too but I thought that I can’t control myself not to breakdown, so I told my mom that my I would just throw my letter with her..

The ceremony came to an end and everybody left after saying their regards, I was used to the touches of sympathy in my shoulders to console me but when I felt that hand, I can’t help but feel afraid.. will he blame me?

“Eurick, look at me..” He said with his voice that I very gentle.

I turned to him and he hugged me and said, “ I know you’re blaming yourself and I want you to stop that okay? Don’t feel that you wasted your sister’s life because it will only be pointless if you won’t continue and enjoy your life.”

He let go of me and look straight to my eye. I felt that tears are already escaping my eyes.

“Please don’t live with guilt. Live happily. For your mother, for your sister and for me, okay? We love you. If you need anything, just call me.. And I will answer to my most favourite little sister.” He said with a sad smile.

If only it was a normal day, I would be angry with him for treating me as his little sister.

But it wasn’t a normal day, this conversation doesn’t seem like a normal words of sympathy.. rather,it felt like it was his goodbye.

He squeezed my hand and let go and without looking back, he walk away..

I want to ask him to stay with me, even as his little sister, but I don’t think I still deserve even that..

So I let him walk away from me..