Virago - Joey Tribbiani

#01 - Roomates

Dove

"It's just a guy I work with, okay?" Monica said sliding down the couch in central perk,
"Yeah but he's going out with you," Joe said, "Must be something wrong with him,"
"Does he have a hump?" Chandler asked, "a hump and a hair piece?"
"Does he eat chalk?" Phoebe asked kindly,
"I'm sorry does he what?" I asked looking at her,
"Well thats what carl did," she shrugged taking a sip of her coffee,

"We're just going to have dinner and not have sex," Monica sighed,
"Sounds like a date to me," Chandler said,
"No all dates have sex," Joey said,
"Yeah," I agreed, "what kinda dates do you go on?"

———

"Right so I'm at high school completely naked," Chandler started,
"Oh yeah," "Had this dream before," we all agreed,
"But instead of my, ya know, there was a phone," he continued,
"A phone instead of your?" Joey asked,
"Yeah," Chandler said,
"Never had that one," "never,"
"But then the worst thing happens, it rings," he waved his hands about, "and it's my mom, she never calls,"

———

Ross walked in drenched and looking depressed,
"hi," he deflated,
"This guy says hello I'm going to kill my self," Joey says.

"You alright darling?" I asked,
"It feels like someone reached down my throat got my small intestine and wrapped it around my neck,"
"Not alright then?"
"Carol moved her stuff out today," there was a collective 'oh', Ross sat down and Phoebe started waving her hand over his head,

"Stop cleansing my aura," Ross batted her away, "leave my aura alone,"
"And you never knew she was a lesbian?" Joey asked,
"Would people stop fixating on that?" Ross groaned,
"If she didn't know how would he?" It was silent for a second before,
"I wish I was a lesbian," We all looked at Chandler, "did I say that outloud?"

"Right Ross look," Joey started, "you're angry and confused and betrayed, there is only one way to fix that," he nudged me,

"Strip Joint!" We exclaimed together,
"You're single now and there are probably a few hormones going on,"

"I don't want to be single," he said, "I want to be married." Suddenly a woman wearing a wedding dress walked in,

"And I just want a million dollars," Chandler pointed at the door, the girl looked panicked and frantic, Monica went up to her,
"Rachel?"
"Oh my god Monica," Rachel said, "hi, I just went to your building and you weren't there and the guy with the big hammer said you might be here and you are!"

The barista asked if she wanted coffee, "decaff," Monica replied,
"Everyone this is Rachel, Rachel this is everybody," she pointed at each of us,

"Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, Dove, and my brother Ross," Rachel went in for a hug but Ross opened his umbrella and hit her with it,
"Sorry,"
"It's okay," she did a small smile,

"Oh shit I'm late," I said standing up, "tell me how this goes," I whispered to Joey kissing his cheek on my way out.

———

I came into the flat and jumped over the back of the couch,
"Don't jump my couch," Monica said,
"Too late," there was some Spanish show playing on the TV,
"What's happening?" I whispered to Joey he just shrugged,
"I'm guessing that he bought her the pipe organ and she's not happy about it," Monica said.

"Daddy, I just can't marry him I'm sorry, I just don't love him," Rachel said into the phone, "It matters to me," Chandler suddenly started shouting which caused a chant,
"Push her down the stairs,"

"Daddy listen, its like my whole life I've been told 'you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe,' but what if I want to be a purse or a hat," she sighed, "no daddy I don't want you to buy me a hat, its a metaphor daddy!"

"Daddy it is my life I'm going to stay with Monica and I don't need your money, no wait daddy,"

———

I was drinking tea at the table watching Chandler and Joey stack beans or something, when Phoebe came and sat next to me,
"I helped," she beamed,
"Yay," I said happily despite not having a clue what she was talking about, Joey knocked over the pile of whatever they were making and walked over to Rachel,
"Hey if you're ever feeling down just come to Joey," he said winking, "Chandlers away alot,"

"Jo the poor girl just left her own wedding have some respect," I said,
"What is there a rule or something?"

The buzzer went off,
"Please don't do that again its a horrible sound,"
"Uh it's Paul?"
"Paul the wine guy?" Ross shouted,

"Yes, now buzz him up," Monica said,
"Paul the wine guy is your date?" I said, he knocked on the door,
"Hi Paul," we all said,
"Um hey didn't catch your name is it by chance Paul?" Chandler asked sarcastically.

"Hey Rachel if your not busy Joey, Chandler and Dove are going to come round to mine to put up furniture," Ross said, "would you like to come?" She politely declined,

"Oh it's fine I'm only going because I like to be carried around on furniture like I'm a Pharaoh,"

———

"What the fuck is this?" I asked looking at what we has just built, the boys just tilted their heads,
"Bookcase is done!"

"Hey man she got the good TV and your couch," Chandler asked Ross, "what did you get?"
"You guys," Ross replied,

"Yeah, okay, makes sense," we all mumbled agreements."

—–—

"What if there os only one woman for everyone," slightly tipsy Ross asked,
"What're you talking about?" I asked lying in the floor next to Joey,
"Think about it like there isn't only one kind of ice cream there are lots, Rocky Road, Cookie Dough,"
"Chocolate Brownie," I said,
"Welcome back to the world big man, grab a spoon," Joey said.

———

"Good morning Paul," we all said sitting at the kitchen table as Paul left Monica's room, Monica sat at the table after showing him out,
"That wasn't a real date?" Joey asked,
"What the hell do you do on a real date?" I inquired,

"Shut up and put my table back," Monica demanded,
"Alright kids I have to get to work," Chandler stood up, "If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference,"

"So you all have like jobs?" Rachel asked,
"Yeah it's how we buy stuff like food and clothes," Monica said,
"Yeah I'm an actor," Joey said,
"I'm a bartender," I said,
"Oh cool," Rachel sat down,

"and Rachel if you get the chance can I recommend the local art schools interpretation of Pinocchio," I said as Joey was about to leave, Chandler skipped out singing,
"Once I was a wooden boy,"
"Farewell

———

"No Maria!" Joey and I both shouted at the TV, "don't leave him Maria, he didn't kill your dad,"
I put a slice of pizza in my mouth as Joey took a spoon of ice cream, we were both crying watching some Spanish TV show when Chandler cleared his throat,
"Um hello?"
"Nothing is happening!" Joey and I both exclaimed.