I never thought that I would be the type that would somehow end up in this position. Writing (or typing) this is extremely hard right now. Maybe it's because I've written a few suicide notes before and all it did was cause me to hurt others I care about rather than explain how I feel. I tend to think it's a lack of understanding on their part, but my heart and my mind tell me it simply is me.
I guess this letter is to the people who I really, REALLY care about. Those who I thought would ALWAYS be there, even though I had no reason to believe so. Those who know me better than I know myself. The only people who have never put me down for believing the things I do, feeling the way, I do, putting themselves through just as much pain as I feel in a mere attempt to understand why the tears are rolling down my face. After being pushed away and slowly removed from another person's life that used to be these things, I knew I would never find love, compassion, hope, or joy again. I gave myself away to people so that I could maybe try to feel wanted again, unfortunately that didn't work. I was, no, I am still disgusted with that person I am. I pretended to be happy, I pretended to try to be happy but deep down I knew it wasn't meant to be.
I smiled for the first time in forever around some of you. Hell, I cried a lot too, but that's nothing anyone can help. I've always been a "crybaby" my entire life. It was that smile. I had to force myself to believe I would smile again after all the pain I had been through. Losing a parent who hated me, still being hated by family, never feeling like I was good enough for friends and family, it took its toll. I thought the attempts were over but it happened when I was with all of you...one person specifically and I realized that the only reason I made it out of that hospital and my failed attempt #10 was to be with you. However, that has now changed too, hasn't it?
Over this past summer, I felt dreadful. I didn't care. I still don't. I hurt. I'm just lost. I want you to be happy so bad. So, bad. I was scared for us. I was scared I would lose you, that you would get tired of my bipolar actions and jealously and let me go too. And then it happened you did it. You let me go.
I would do anything, I WILL do anything, to go back and stop that from happening. I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I still do. I know right now it doesn't look like it. I then learned there was someone else taking your time, making you smile. I really didn't want to be alone again but I knew that because he was there you should just take the opportunity to replace me so that I wouldn't hurt you so damn much. I didn't know that was going to make it worse. I didn't think you still loved me. I was trying so hard to let you go, allow you to be happy. I don't sleep, I can't eat, I just lie in bed crying all night knowing that I have lost you. Staying hurt because I don't have you, and not knowing what to do about it. I just want you.
I can be happy on my own, yeah, I thought that. That's why I was in the hospital before? But you don't understand that even if I am as happy as I possibly can be or as miserable as I ever will be, I still will always want and love you. I love the way you make me smile. Why are you taking that from me?
I keep asking myself.... Am I not good enough? Am I not attractive to you anymore? What did I do to make you feel like we couldn't fix it? What did I do to make you choose them over me? And frankly, that's all I care about now. I've accepted the possibility that we will never be back together and you won't want me that way anymore. I will never be able to accept you dropping me from your life. You PROMISED me you never would. You promised. We're supposed to be best friends. Why can't I be that now? I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face and laughing because I know this sounds ridiculous, obsessive and a little crazy. Maybe it is. But I really don't care. I just want my support, my best friend back. It hurts so much not having you around at all.
You promised me you wouldn't be like the last one, but now you are. It shows me that if anything, I haven't changed and I will always hurt those I care most about... I can only blame myself.
All I did was get myself into a bigger mess. It's just not even worth it anymore. I've been in the emergency room 5 times within the last two weeks but I never told you that. I'm not getting any better. There is nothing they can do for me. I'm pretty sure it's just my time to go. A lot of you will disagree and I will apologize now, I'm sorry. I thought my life would mean the most to her, because she's the one who means the most to me and gave me life, but now you have me convinced that I'm wrong. I just can't do this anymore. I really don't want to suffer through all this physical pain anymore. I am done.
I'm home alone today. Right where I was the last two times it didn't work. But, it's going to work this time. Because by the time you read this, I'll already have done what needs to be done. I'm weak and exhausted. I just can't do it anymore. I'd rather put myself through an eternal pain in Hell, knowing I did it to myself, that I made this choice than live the rest of my life here. I know you know will say that it's my choice and you never could have stopped me and you will shrug it off. I guess you're not really losing anything because you don't answer half of my messages anyway.
I'll admit, this is the worst goodbye letter I've ever written. It's so needy and desperate. But, please don't remember me that way. Remember me as the guy who YOU made SMILE and want to live, the one you at one time loved. You were my hero, my friend, my love. Remember me as the person who owes everything to you. I owe you my life, since that seems to be the most valuable asset here at the moment. I know you'll be fine, because you always told me you would be. However, you're a lot braver than I am or ever could be. You're a lot stronger than me, you always will be. To those who won't understand after I'm gone, I did this only to help everyone else. It may not seem like it now, but in a few years, you will realize I was right. I want everyone to live happier and that's all I've ever wanted. I know once I'm gone, no one will believe that's true since what I'm doing is considered "selfish" and "heartless" and everyone will miss me. You're all right, it is selfish and I'm sorry. My whole heart is in this decision this time. it's time for everyone to let me go one more time. It never stopped them before, so please, just let go now and move on. There isn't anything you could have done to make me stay. There really isn't any hospital, doctor, medication that will "fix" me to want to keep fighting. The best thing you can do for me is to do what you did before and just let me go to be in a resting peace for good.
I love you. I really do. I'm literally choking on my tears and snot right now because I realize I will never have a chance to hear your voice and say goodbye one last time, but it's probably best that way. You can call me when you get this. If I don't answer, you know where I'll be. If I do, well I suck at life and ending it apparently. I want you all to know that I love you, each one of you for different reasons. This is, and never will be anyone's fault. -CJW
