Shh

New place

On our way back to his auntie's apartment, he put his arm around me, a gesture that he'd repeated a hundred times, but this one it was different, more tentative, his fingers gently circling my sun-kissed shoulder. My heart was pounding, my senses felt heightened. The smell of salt water in my hair was mingling with the subtle scent of his skin. The humid night air felt like it was closing in on me with sound of music and people and chatting in the restaurants that we passed. Everything was intensified and unreal. My mind was already in his auntie's flat, me sat on the edge of her dining table with him stood kissing my neck, pushing my dress up to my waist and slipping inside me. Tom, my best friend Tom, licking the salt water off my skin and biting down on my breasts.

But none of that was meant to be. His aunty was waiting for us with a room full of friends and neighbours. In front of this crowd of people, we slipped straight back into our familiar roles, Jess and Tom, totally platonic friends.

I wasn't able to sleep that night though; it was infuriating knowing that he was lying there in the next room, tantalisingly close. I imagined him naked in bed, fighting with the blanket in the heat, as sleepless as me. I couldn't stand it, the desire that he'd awakened in me had to be released. I slipped my fingers between my legs and imagined Tom's strong hands running up my thighs, his hot, hard lips and soft, wet tongue inside me. I bit down on my lip and clenched the sheets. With the thought of him, hard and thick, pulsing inside of me, I reached a shuddering orgasm, before falling into a frustrated sleep.

******

I kiss goodbye to Andreas and Peter and bolt the door of the cafe behind them as they walk out into the dark night. It's been a long, busy day and they've earned their tips, showing every customer the enthusiasm that we take pride in at Te Quiero. When the owner told me that he wanted to take a step back to start a new venture, I wouldn't stop at the pay rise he offered me, I reeled off my ideas for a renovation and insisted on being made a shareholder. It's a tiny amount, but it makes a massive difference. I no longer feel as though I'm throwing my energy into someone else's project. I'm doing this for me and it's given me the confidence to turn my life around.

I IMAGINED TOM'S STRONG HANDS RUNNING UP MY THIGHS, HIS HOT, HARD LIPS

I walk through to the little back office, checking off the changes I've made with pride. The wall that I've dedicated for local artists to exhibit their work on is constantly changing. A portrait of a proud, moustachioed man with friendly eyes reminds me of Tom's dad. I log in to Facebook at the office computer, welcoming the mindless distraction that will help me to switch off after a busy day. I click onto Tom's profile page and have a flick through his pictures. This has become a habit lately, before I know it, I find I've wasted half an hour looking at pictures of Tom on a beach in Thailand surrounded by bikinied girls, Tom on the back of a motorbike straddling one of his mates, Tom's familiar, magnetic grin, Tom at a food market bartering. Then, "Hi stranger" - a live message from the man himself – pops up in the corner of my screen.

I blush guiltily; does he know that I've been stalking him?

Me: Hi you, how's Thailand / Laos / wherever the hell you are?

Him: Back at Cassa Davidson. But they were all great thanks.

Me: Oh my god! You're home? I've forgotten my embarrassment; I'm so excited to be talking to my old friend again.

Him: Certainly am. Want to meet up soon?

Me: Yes, I'd love to. It's been too long. As soon as you've recovered from your jet lag you have to come round. I'm living in Holloway now and working in a gorgeous little cafe, Te Quiero, you'll love it!

Him: I've heard. I miss you Jess, it's been over a year.

Me: I know, I miss you too. I'm so sorry that I never came to your leaving – things were messy back then. When can you visit? Wednesday?