Battle Scars [BxB]

T H R E E

I had six pets. When your family owned a business revolving around animals, it's inevitable to own a lot of them. We had two rabbits; Basil and Parsley. A tortoise named Bolt, who roamed about the garden all day long with the twin bunnies. Our dog, Daisy, a border collie. And my brother had a hedgehog while I opted for a snake.

The snake slid between my fingers, curling around my arm elegantly. Handling Rumplesnakeskin - I was eleven when I named her, okay? - was like therapy. It calmed me down, feeling life writhing away, twisting around my limbs, occasionally hissing in my ear.

I flinched as my phone started ringing from my pocket, vibrating against my thigh. I grabbed it, sparing one quick glance at the caller ID before answering the call. But I already knew who it was. Luca was the only one who ever rung me anyway. "H-Hey." I greeted.

"Are you okay?" He asked immediately, sounding slightly alarmed.

"Y-Yeah, why?" I answered quizzically, wondering where his sudden urgency had come from.

"Tommy called me. He said he was worried about you. Thought you might do something to yourself."

My fists clenched in anger as I drifted over to the tank in the corner of my room, lowering Rumplesnakeskin back into her house before fixing the lid back on. "I-I'm fine." I assured him sharply.

"You sure?"

"Jesus, why does everyone keep asking me if I'm alright?" I snapped, resisting the urge to throw my phone against the wall. "I-I'm fucking brilliant, Luca, never been better."

There was a moment of stunned silence between us. I'd never talked to Luca like that, I'd never talked to anyone like that. "Theo-"

"Don't." I snapped bitterly. "I-I'm not a child, I can look after myself."

"I'm just-"

"Worried?" I supplied, squeezing the phone absentmindedly in frustration. "Has no one got anything better to do than worry about me?"

"Fucking hell, Theo, I'm allowed to worry." He retaliated. "Are you having an episode?"

I scoffed incredulously, "Don't p-patronise me."

"I'm not, I'm just saying-"

"No, I'm not having an episode." I stated firmly. "It's more of an ongoing thing nowadays."

"What're you talking about?" He asked, his Dutch accent coming out stronger through the phone. Maybe it was just more noticeable when it was the only thing to focus on.

I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing myself to take a deep breath. Calm down. I was starting to hate myself for speaking to Luca like that. He was my boyfriend. He was one of the few people who still cared. "I-It doesn't come in episodes anymore." I explained softly, my voice suddenly lower and gentler. "I kind of just...c-constantly feel like shit." I explained, the words fragile and carefully crafted. "B-But I don't want you worrying about me. Please."

"Wait, Theo-"

"I-I should go. My parents are calling me." I lied.

"No, Theo, don't go." He begged. "Please, just talk to me, okay? Let me help, let me-"

"You can't." I choked out thickly. "I-I'm fine, Luca. Just enjoy uni."

"Theodore, don't you dare hang up on me-"

"B-Bye." I whispered, pulling the phone away from my ear and ending the call. I turned it to silent in case he tried ringing again, stuffing it under my pillow so I wouldn't be tempted to answer.

I felt like shit. I felt like the worst boyfriend in the world. I didn't deserve Luca, I didn't deserve the way he made me feel or the smile he gave me whenever he looked my way. I was a mess, pumped with meds and thoughts of darkness. The glimmer of light within me had been extinguished a long time ago. There was nothing keeping me afloat anymore.

I glanced across the room, my eyes landing on a packet of antidepressants. I wondered how many I would need to take to make the pain go away. How many would knock me out for good. My whole body was shaking as I reached for the pills, scanning the packet.

I wasn't sure how long I sat on my bed for, my eyes filling with tears over and over. I read every ingredient, every instruction, every warning about keeping the product away from children. I kept cursing under my breath, wiping my face and biting my lower lip. I wanted it to end.

I turned the packet over in my hands before ripping it open, pulling out a sheet of white pills, staring up at me expectantly - I dare you.

I was seconds away from throwing a dozen in my mouth at once before my bedroom door swung open. "Hey, Ted, dinner's ready." Milo informed me. He caught a glimpse of me and paused, his fingers still wrapped around the doorknob. "Are you okay?"

I tossed the pills aside, brushing a couple of stray tears away with the sleeve of my jumper, "Y-Yeah, just checking my new dose." I smiled reassuringly, though I didn't know how convincing it was.

"Are you crying?"

"Huh? Oh...yeah, I just got off th-the phone with Luca." I told him truthfully. "I-I guess I just miss him, you know?"

He nodded in acknowledgment, clearly believing the lie, "When's he coming back?" He asked curiously as we descended the stairs together.

"N-Not sure. He hasn't booked his t-train ticket yet." I shrugged as the pair of us entered the kitchen.

I listened to my family talk throughout dinner, only chipping in when addressed directly. I tried to avoid talking. I wasn't in the mood. Once my Dad started offering dessert, I was off, mumbling the excuse of not being hungry. I headed straight for the bathroom, brushing my teeth before retreating back to my room.

As soon as I was safely wrapped up in Luca's football jersey, about three sizes too big, I snuggled up under the covers. I didn't trust myself to stay awake any longer. If I wasn't asleep, I was thinking about the feeling of a knife gliding across my skin. I didn't want to do that. Not now. I was too tired to bother with cleaning up the mess. I was too tired to care about the consequences. If I started, I wouldn't be able to stop.

So, I made myself go to sleep, despite it being just past eight o'clock. Before I went to bed, I checked my phone, still tucked under my pillow. Seventeen missed calls and forty two messages. Some from Tommy, most from Luca. I felt that familiar gut wrenching sensation of guilt again. But I did nothing other than drop the phone to the floor and close my eyes.

I dreamt of toddlers with no faces. A world without a sun. A demon without eyes. I dreamt of blood and screaming into darkness.