Ideas and feelings floating around my head. Unable to properly sort or understand them. Feeling as though I have no control, no way of truly knowing how I feel. Opening up to people just feels like a burden, that feeling of vulnerability changes my view on them and myself. Are my feelings real? Are they a product of circumstance? For years I haven't thought of these things but here I am again, wanting to dive in but unable to. Thoughts and feelings not lining up with one another. I feel like I'm dancing the same dance, alone in that same darkened room. Dancing to a time only I can hear, afraid to share it with the people I want to. Why am I afraid to open up my door and let people in?
On the other hand, what if my door is already open and no one wants to dance with me? That thought is too hard. I don't want to admit that to myself. Dancing is difficult, and I have two left feet. I don't blame people for not wanting to dance with me. I only ever choose the harder dances when I feel like I can't even do the simple ones.
Look at me using big'ol metaphors, like I'm smart or cleaver or whatever. I probably use them because I'm too much of a coward to say what I really want to. Hiding behind words, trying to sound deeper than I actually am. Maybe I am afraid of what people around me think, so I try to make myself look better than I actually am. But then again, is it faking if I'm doing it? Maybe it's a change in mental state, a change in mentality behind the words. They all come from me, so why should some be less real than the other? I have a lot of questions but I have no answers.
Maybe I am done for now, done writing. Maybe I'm done pretending. Who knows? Maybe one day things will change and I will work up courage and say the things I want to say. I don't want to use alcohol, weed, exhaustion or anything else as an excuse to reveal things about me. To open up to the people around me. I should be proud of what I feel. Maybe not proud, but not ashamed. Not ashamed of what I want to say. But for now I need to get started on working my way there. Hopefully the people I care about will still be in my life when the time comes for me to finally talk.
