The Struggles and Confessions of a Military Girlfriend.

Day 30

Tuesday, June 5th, 2018
Approximately 147 days to go

Today was my last day in Italian. Now I'm not going to lie. I cheated my way through my final. I knew parts of it and that wasn't an issue but a lot of it had slipped my mind. Now I'm not proud to say that I cheated just purely honest. I passed my final which is great news because I needed to pass. I felt so dang relieved walking out of that class. I could honestly feel a lot of the stress be lifted off my shoulders. But at the same time, I am still so stressed out because of the stupid math final in two days. I feel like no matter how much I study I can't seem to have all of these damn formulas stick in my head. I'm so lost and confused. like this dumb teacher is so horrible. I'm normally pretty good at math but she literally makes me feel like a damn idiot. I have never felt so dumb in my life. I had an appointment today, to confirm my pregnancy. It was odd being there. I also had 4 more positive home pregnancy tests. Today also marks three weeks that he has been gone. It doesn't even feel like it has barely been three weeks. It feels like it been so much longer but obviously, it hasn't. Today just feels crazy hectic. I feel emotional but also numb and very confused and clearly a little stupid. I've been handling this a lot better than I thought I would have but then again I can say that it doesn't hurt as much when you still get to talk. I guess maybe that's why I haven't had like a total emotional or mental breakdown because I still get to talk to him every day so I can just pretend that he isn't freaking 6500 miles away from me although I am very much reminded about that little detail practically every day. You know you would think people would understand boundaries or not pushing people too far but no clearly not. At least my family doesn't they could literally care less if they hurt my feelings. Maybe that's why this whole thing seems so crazy to me. Because at the end of the day I still have to do this and I have to face it head on alone. That's the stressful part is knowing that I don't have much of a choice and I mean sure it would be easier to just end things and be with a civilian, actually no no it wouldn't because that would mean leaving him and just the thought of doing that makes my heartache. so nothing is easy. This deployment will be far from easy but right now I just have to take it one day at a time. 

Days gone: 21