little bitch

i hate him *MAJOR TIGGER WARNING***

(Not real names)

when i was a kid i was friends with this kid a year younger than me named John. 

we played and hanged out. my brother sometimes joined, but usually it was just us.

then there was this teenager. his name was Andrew. looking back he was weird from the start, he use to play with us a lot. he wanted to baby sit us for free.

but we were kids and we didnt think he had bad intentions.

he use to touch me, but i didnt really get it; i want to be tough, i didnt want them to push me around and i thought boys did that thing. we use to play wrestling and fighting games, he use to pin me down and just touch me.

he made us play weird games. he have me in pretend cages, i remember where i had a easy bake oven and he made me pretend i was chain to it. 

i didnt like it, i hated him. but my brother and John liked him. and i liked hanging out with my brother and John. i use to do anything to hang out with my brother.

one time we were in the forest behind Johns house.  he made us play a game. john and him were cashiers and i was a shopper. i remember him saying i didnt have any money to buy those things. i remember him unzipping him pants and making john do it too. i remember him making me touch him and john.  

john told his parents. i was hiding in the garage crying, playing with my dolls to ignore what happen. his dad found me, and he yelled at me. saying it was my fault and stuff along those lines.

i told my brother, not everything just that Andrew show me his dick, and he told my mom. my mom didnt allow him around us after that.

i never told my mom what really happen. she was going through a lot.

it effected me.

in school when male teachers helped me or even just talk to me i thought they wanted sex. i also had nightmares and i would be up all night because i couldnt or wont sleep.

i also got depressed. my dad had depression, so genetically i would have it too.  but i remember when i was young (8,9,10) thinking about suicide. my dad was raise in chicago, in a Catholic school. and he raise us religiously. i remember being told those who commit suicide go to hell. i think that was the only thing that stopped me.

im scared of coming out because i dont want people to excuse it as trauma. 

John was effect too. we're not friends anymore. but i see him, he always looks sad, and i know he gets into trouble a lot. i just want to help him, but im scared to.

i want to tell my friends. i want to tell my mom. maybe by posting this it'll help.

my therapist knows. shes a big help through all this.

but she told me something. she said by not telling who he is im allowing him to hurt other kids. 

and it hurts that im responsible for that. im sorry, im sorry im not strong im sorry im selfish im fucking sorry

i want to forget, i want to move on,

i hate him. i hate that he did this to me. i hate that he did this to john. i hate that he could be doing it to someone else. i hate him so much