She's So Extra (Kiligserye Book1) | ✅

Chapter 42

Hindi naman ako baguhan sa heartbreak, lahat na yata ng klase ng pagbbreak naranasan ko na.

Breakup number one: Nung high school yung boyfriend ko bigla na lang hindi na pumasok, nung nagtanong tanong ako sa mga classmates namin nag-transfer na pala ng school. Nang-iwan na lang basta basta at kinailangan kong mag-move on ng puro why why ang questions and I learned at an early age na ang closure nanggagaling rin sa taong naiwan – minsan kasi kailangan mong tanggapin na lang na walang closure na magaganap na pareho kayong willing participants.

Break up number two: Nung college, yung boyfriend ko nachichismis na nambababae, pero syempre dahil inlababo ako hindi ako nakinig sa mga kaibigan kong sinasabi sa aking gago yung jowa ko. Nagpakatanga pero in the end, pinalitan pa rin nung babaeng ginamit nya to cheat on me. Nagpaka-martir na iniwan pa rin. Natutunan ko dun na kahit anong bait mo at kahit anong sakripisyo, love is fleeting and that sometimes it really is not you, it's him.

Break up number three: Yung first boyfriend ko nung nag-start na akong mag-work. Nagmahal ako ng tunay, binigay ko na lahat so akala ko enough na, yun pala hindi naman ako talaga ang gusto nya – I was just the convenient choice habang inaantay niya yung talagang gusto niya.

Minsan dahil sa dami ng pinag-daanan natin sa buhay, nagiging bulag na tayo pag may dumating na tama para sa atin. We immediately work out the ways kung paano sya mag-fe-fail without giving it our all. So we guard our hearts and fail to see that theirs were right there in front of us and that they are giving us the opportunity to claim it but instead we ignore it and choose to think that because we've been left so many times that we are not worthy of that kind of love and sacrifice.

Na ako, si Olga Andrea Martinez dahil 'damaged' na from my previous relationships, that anything good that comes my way must not be real.

If that's the case, then why am I crying so much and feeling so hurt from something that was not real?

These are the thoughts that are on my mind habang nagb-byahe papunta ng office on this rainy Monday morning.

Parang nakisama sa pagka-gloomy ng feelings ko ang panahon.

I stare outside the window ng van na sinakyan ko and think of how I will get through the day. There's still heaviness in the pit of my stomach while I'm walking through the doors of our building, I keep my head down pagpasok ko ng elevator and hope to God that I don't run into anyone I know kasi I won't be able to muster enough strength to pretend that I'm fine.

I get off the elevator and walk silently to my work station; some people say 'good morning' but I don't respond, I hope they see the earphones I have on and just assume that I'm listening to something na I didn't hear them.

I sit on my chair and see the table full of documents and I realize that gone are days where I will get to my cubicle and see fresh flowers, chocolates or packed food. I take in a deep breath and barely keep the tears from falling.

Wag dito, Olga. Kaya mo yan.

I boot up my computer and prepare myself for a very productive day – that's the only thing I should do right now.

***

"Andi." I wince and look back at my boss, "Yes ma'am?"

She looks worried and asks, "Have you had lunch yet? Hindi ka pa yata kumakain."

Nginitian ko lang sya, "I'm fine ma'am. I had a heavy breakfast."

Mukhang di nya ako pinaniwalaan, so she says, "Are you sure? You don't look like your usual cheerful self." She tilts her head to the side as she studies me, "Is there something wrong?"

Alam mo yung pag naiiyak ka na tapos may biglang magtatanong sayo kung okay ka lang? Imbes na makatulong, lalong nakakalala ng sitwasyon kasi maiiyak ka na talaga. I hold back my tears and look to my laptop while answering her, "I'm fine. Just one of those days ma'am."

She's quiet but I don't look back at her then she sighs, "Okay. Just let me know if you need anything."

I nod.

That was pretty much all the interaction we have before she leaves at the end of the work day.

When the office was almost empty, I packed my things and left. Umalis na si Ms. Claire and before she left she asked me to leave na rin pero I can't face anyone yet. Baka may makasalubong pa ako so I just stayed.

Mejo lightheaded na ako pagbangon ko, halos wala akong kinain maghapon except for the crackers and the banana na dinala ni Jem sa office ko during lunch break. Nagpunta sila ni Cherrie to check on me but I just ignored them and said marami akong naiwang trabaho kaya hindi ko naalalang kumain.

They knew I was lying.

On shaky legs I walk to the elevator, close the door and leave the office just the way I wanted to and deserved – all alone.

***

"Girl, hindi na healthy yan." Sabi ni Cherrie habang inaabot sa akin ang dala nilang sandwich ni Jem.

"I'm fine. Busy lang." Sagot ko naman habang kinukuha ang inabot nyang pagkain.

Umupo si Jem sa table ko, "Mag-drama ka kasi, mas nakakatakot yang silent grieving na ginagawa mo."

And that's exactly what this is – grieving. Tatlong araw na akong pumapasok sa office pero parang hindi pa rin nag-no-normalize ang buhay ko, I'm just quietly existing pero not really living life just yet.

I shoo them away, "Sige na. Mag-lunch na kayo, I'll be fine. Thanks for the sandwich."

Tumayo si Jem pero dinuro ako, "Hoy, kainin mo yan ha."

I nod, "Thanks bes."

I spend a few hours working then my alarm beeps signaling me to get my boss' three o'clock coffee fix. So tumayo ako at kinuha ang coffee mug ni Ms. Claire. I walk through the office and I noticed na people were looking at me. But I brushed it off kasi alam mo yung feeling na ang daming nakatingin sayo when you're either in your best outfit or if you're not looking well put together. I'm thinking I'm the latter.

I sigh and go to the pantry para mag-lagay ng coffee sa mug ni ma'am, when I'm done I walk back out and it's like I'm in a dream na lahat ng tao nakatingin sa akin, because literally, everyone's looking at me.

I shrugged it off and keep walking pabalik ng office ko, kamamadali ko I almost ran into someone from accounting, I muttered a "Sorry" pero sya ni hindi manlang nag-apologize. Gago yun ah.

I kept moving forward pero talagang nakatingin ang mga officemates ko sa akin, openly gawking at me right now. So I sat back in my chair and checked how I looked. Bukod sa kailangan ko nang magsuklay at magpa-charge ng excess baggage dahil sa eyebags ko, I look normal naman. I looked down on my clothes and see na wala namang kakaiba sa akin.

Wala lang siguro, mga weird lang tong officemates ko.

I stood up and went to Ms. Claire's office, she's talking to someone on the phone so I put her coffee on her desk.

I went out again and see Jem walking purposedly papunta sa akin, I ask "Bakit?"

He doesn't stop and drags me by the arm palayo sa floor namin on to the stairwell.

He looks straight at me and I see worry in his eyes, "Bakit Jem?"

Hinawakan nya ang mga braso ko and tells me, "Friend, don't freak out okay? It's going to be fine. Hindi kita papabayaan okay?"

Imbes na makatulong lalo akong nag-panic, "Ano bang sinasabi mo? What's going on?"

He sighs and pulls out his phone, "I just saw this today. Malamang di mo pa nakikita to sa email mo."

Nag-pindot-pindot sya sa phone nya then he hands it to me, "It's going to be fine. I'm here okay?"

Mejo nanginginig pa ang kamay ko nang tinanggap ko ang cellphone ni Jem.

Then I saw it and it immediately made sense why ganun na lang ako tingnan ng mga officemates ko.

It's a bit dark but you can just make out the two faces in the picture – it's me and Chuck that night kissing in the cabana.