The iPod screen burst to light and I grabbed it quickly, seeing what it was that sent me a notification. Hoping silently that it was her. My heart drops as I read the notification; it's not her, it's a game reminding me that I haven't played it in days.
Anger rushes inside me as I call myself stupid thinking that I should get so happy and nervous because she could have messaged me. Only knowing that deep inside we could never be more than friends.
"She's too young," I whisper to myself as I drag the dull scissors against my wrist, loathing my being.
"I'm such an idiot. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I have no friends. I will never amount to anything." Thoughts like these race through my brain sending neuron transmissions throughout my brain that I'm sad, depressed. But that's normal.
I slowly slide the dull scissors down my wrist from the vein that I can see in my thumb; I follow it all the way down to the hollow in my elbow. I'm worthless I think as I go down the increasingly irritated skin of mine. It hurts but won't bleed or kill me. I can't do it yet..... Just not yet. I don't have the nerve, but soon it'll happen.
I hear a knock on my door and hide the scissors, acting like a normal happy person... Only on the inside I'm filled with self loathing.
My grandma walks in and asks me why I have to door shut. I can see the anger in her eyes as she stares down at me, wanting to hit me more. I get nervous, feeling my stomach flip and turn rapidly making me feel sick. Looking down I try to explain how I just wanted to be left alone, instead she interrupts me saying how we don't shut the door in her house. Meekly saying ok, she walks out murmuring baby; just more words to fuel the fire of hate that stirs inside of me.
At this point in my life I have nothing.... Not a friend that's really there, no one to care.
My mind races to what happened earlier with my grandma as she comes running at me, striking out and hitting me. Stunned and hurt I just cover my head and let her hit me; every blow feeling more and more deserving. Eventually I pushed her away and somehow broke her necklace, this, of course, causes her to scream at me saying how useless I am and how I don't care about anything other than myself. Including how I have no clue where she got it; although I know it was her mothers in laws.
