Nothing Is As It Seems

Saffiyah

Yusuf called out for Saffiyah in the dimly lit kitchen, "Mama??"

The weakening sunlight pushed through the kitchen window, lighting up the fruit bowl in front of Yusuf.

"Yes my dear..." she wiped his face, still sticky and shining with remains of fresh orange juice.

"Where is Papa?"

Saffiyah always encouraged Yusuf's curiosity. It was a means of exercising her declining motherhood and a proof for herself and the world that she too could be useful to society. Marrying young had been beautiful and exciting but the continuous miscarriages had made Saffiyah slowly decline in health and in hope. People were merciless and constantly reminded her of her lack of generativity. It made her feel useless, where a childless woman seemed to have been equated to no other function, like a perfume lacking fragrance. After many years of heartfelt dua, they had been blessed with Yusuf. She had finally been given the gift of nurturing someone, moulding a character from nothing; and Yusuf's inquisitive nature became a means of achieving that. This question however, sent waves of shock through Saffiyah. Where was he? The question, although expected, still threw her off balance. It felt like someone had ripped open a bandage to a fresh wound.

She had failed to recognise the signs of decline in their relationship. Saffiyah had always assumed he would be there for her, that he would never leave her. Divorce was deemed a calamity. To be divorced would mean to be marked by a hideous monster. The monster of shame and public humiliation, something every mother prayed her child would never encounter. Little did Saffiyah know, this hideous monster would press its claws into the flesh of her life as well.

It all started in the family ice cream parlour. Saffiyah and Khalid were far off cousins, so in support of the business, the families would meet for the city's best homemade ice cream. None of the cousins were allowed to sit next to Saffiyah except Khalid; and if anybody dared to sit next to her, Khalid would spend the entire time glaring venomously at the poor cousin until he could have a 'word' with him in the corner. Saffiyah, young and innocent, never noticed this. She liked him, just a bit. She too, would secretly steal glances of him enjoying his ice cream. Whenever their eyes would meet, even if it was only for a few seconds, he would try to absorb and remember all her features and hold on to them like she would for him. Strawberry ice cream was Saffiyah's favourite, and like the homemade family creation, their relationship grew naturally and organically until they were happily married at the ripe age of 20 and 21. 

 At times the strawberry pits would remain behind creating obstacles and obstructions in their relationship. Little did they realise, these tiny obstructions would grow into something much more gruesome.

"Saffiyaaaa!!! Where are you?? Get me some strawberry ice cream from the fridge!!"

Khalid lay on the couch, flipping channels listlessly. The light of the constantly flickering T.V in the dimly lit room, made his head seem like a bowl full of furious fireflies. Saffiyah had not slept the entire night. Yusuf kept waking up every two hours, hungry, screeching and crying for milk. Khalid had quietly shuffled out of the room mumbling something about having office the next day and needing a good night's sleep. Left alone with her wailing baby, Saffiyah tried her best to feed and console Yusuf.

With Yusuf hanging from her hip, the exhausted Saffiyah, slowly opened the fridge, and searched for the bowl of strawberry ice cream. She passed it on to Khalid.

"Thanks..." He looked up, "Holy God woman! Look at yourself, you stay at home all day doing nothing, at least go to the beauty salon or something, you look horrible!!"

"Yes," Saffiyah thought to herself sarcastically, "I'll go to the salon only after, vacuuming and cleaning the whole freaking house, and feeding Yusuf, and cooking your blasted dinner, and feeding Yusuf again, and putting him to sleep..." She would have spat that at him, but she tossed it in a corner of discontentment that continued to grow within her each day. 

"YUCK!!! WHAT THE HEC IS THIS??!" Khalid spat the ice cream back into the bowl. "IT'S GONE BAD SAFFIYAH!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CHECK WHATS IN THE FRIDGE?? YOU'RE SITTING AT HOME ALL DAY DO NOTHING ANYWAYS?!!"

There it was again...doing nothing. Saffiyah pursed her lips, holding back the wave of frustration and anger boiling within her. Not in front of Yusuf.... Not in front of Yusuf...

There was a growing lack of communication. Khalid would come home tired from work and crash on the couch. Saffiyah exhausted with her domestic duties would slowly trudge to the kitchen to serve his dinner. There was no 'Thank you', no 'How was your day'. Just a grunt of acknowledgement from Khalid for dinner, and the clashing of plates and water, as Saffiyah got back to the dishes. She felt over worked, exhausted and dissatisfied. Khalid felt bored, angry and regretful. They both had a growing resentment towards each other, but like 2 solid dams, they held back the flood of anger and discontentment. 

"This is not working Saffiyah..." Khalid had begun.

"Of course it's not working, I told you to take the rice cooker for fixing like 2 months ago!!" Saffiyah responded.

Khalid sighed deeply. "I'm not talking about the cooker Saffiyah..."

The broken rice cooker, oblivious to the growing tension between the couple, spat out large amounts of steam in the background.

"I'm talking about us..." 

"Wha- What do you mean??"

As if on cue, Yusuf began to cry from the other room. Saffiyah ran to soothe her baby.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about!!!" Khalid blasted. "It seems like all you care about is that baby!! You don't even make time for me anymore!!"

Saffiyah, confused but exhausted, continued to rock Yusuf back and forth.

"This is our child Khalid! He needs my attention! If you started acting more like a father then maybe you wouldn't feel so left out all the time!!" she snarled.

"Oh! It's my fault now is it??" He took a step towards Saffiyah, "What do you think I do all day?? I work from 9 to 5 trying to make money for this family, and this is what I get??"

"And what do you think I do all day?? Do you think I'm just sitting around?? I mean, have you ever tried to look outside your little egoistical head and see what I'm going through?? Why do you think I always look so exhausted??" The dams had broken open, and the flood gets of Hell were let loose, there was no stopping now.

Then came the words of divorce, harsh and unrelenting, Saffiyah's knees buckled but she stood ground, and the rice cooker, still oblivious to its surroundings, spat out more steam until the rice was left burnt and darkened, irreversible, irreplaceable.

"Papa's gone for a long holiday Yusuf," Saffiyah responded, ruffling his hair.

"What are holidays Mama?" 

"It's when people take a break when they get too tired." 

Yusuf had already lost attention and ran to the other room searching for his toys.

Saffiyah, happy that Yusuf had been distracted, for now at least, sighed in relief.

Night had descended, Saffiyah opened up the windows breathing in the fresh night air and waited for the call for prayer. She shouted for Yusuf to put on his shoes. After many days of crying and confusion, she had finally decided to go to the masjid in hope for some spiritual gratification. She searched for her favourite pink hijab. The one her mother had gifted to her after the divorce. Within its folds was a note that had caused Saffiyah to laugh and cry at the same time. It had become her beacon of hope and slow recovery. The note had read,

"Everything other than God has a beginning and an end; a bowl of strawberry ice cream, a diaper, a marriage...but your memories of love and happiness don't die out, they remain with you as souvenirs of your relationships. Place them in your heart, perfume them every day but keeping on moving forward, my dear, keep on moving forward..."

Saffiyah donned her pink hijab and swiftly moved to the masjid, Yusuf's hand firmly clasped in hers and her treasured memories of love softly clinking along in her heart.