Lost Ones

I Cry Sometimes About It (Prologue)

"No no no. This isn't real this cannot be happening!" I shrieked feeling completely numb and stilled with shock. I looked down at the Clearblue pregnancy tests in total disbelief. I compared the sign on the tests and the instruction paper several times. It did indeed indicate that I was pregnant. My heart sank, the fear I felt  was  paralyzing.

"I'm not ready! This is not how it was to..." I was suddenly jerked out of my rambling when I heard my phone ring. I looked at the contact image and immediately, I felt sick to my stomach . I stared at my ringing phone having an internal war on what to do.

Was I ready to tell him that he would be a father? Would he even care? I watched as the phone continuously vibrated in my hand and on the very last ring I decided I would answer.

Clearing my throat I slid my thumb over the green phone logo. "he-hello? " I croaked, sounding weaker and more vulnerable than I wanted to. " Umm, hey is this Sabrina? " the voice on the other line questioned. I was instantly taken aback. Not only was the voice on the other end a feminine one but it was also one I had grown to despise. It was HIS on and off girlfriend Luna.

"Speaking." I responded trying to sound as unbothered as I possibly could. I ignored my hearts rapid beating as I waited for her to respond to me. "I was just calling to let you know that Adam and I are now back together,that means that-" Before she could finish her sentence I ended the call not interested in what ever bullshit she was trying to come at me with.

My phone began to ring once more but I didn't bother to answer. My heart was too heavy and the amount of emotional pain I felt was crippling. Not only did this call prove that he didn't love me like I thought he did, but it also seemed to solidify the fact that I would possibly have to do this on my own.

Even though I was pro-choice i knew in my heart that having an abortion was something I could not do. The thought of adoption also made my heart shatter. I knew I wanted to keep this child but I also knew that I was in for a Herculean task. I knew motherhood was not easy and I was not yet fully comfortable with the idea that I would be carrying a baby. However, I understood that it was necessary to take responsibility for my careless actions.

All I wanted to do in the moment was cry until my heart was content. I sat on the white tiles which adorned my bathroom and just cried for what felt like hours.
After I had no more tears left to cry I pried myself up off the floor and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked broken. My hair was all over the place, my nose runny, my eyes red, and my lips chapped. I looked like an abuse victim. I clawed at my wrist digging my coffin shaped acrylic nails into the soft skin surrounding my wrist. My skin looked blotchy and overall I just looked ill. " Get a grip you fool!" I snapped at my feeble reflection. I rarely ever showed emotion and even though no one was around to witness my breakdown I still felt like the most weak,naive and vulnerable person on the planet earth.

I could picture the disappointment in my loved ones eyes , the judgemental looks from strangers and the rumors that would be spread about my character. Was I ready? Would I ever be?