I remember when I first started at my new school. It was science class that really made me pay attention to you even though I had a class before that with you. I was forced to sit beside you. Thanks Ms.Lowther. You messed it all up. I thought you were amazing and funny and just genuinely great. English science and social studies together. And I still managed to think you were great. Whenever you would text me I would nearly drop my phone I would get so excited. But. There's no way in hell you felt anything close to that. I remember when our friends told me that you liked me and that I liked you. We went roller skating. "It's not a date" we continuously told our friends. Yet you gave the the closest thing I've gotten to a first kiss by kissing my cheek and running away. You made me think I was special. You texting me later that night asking me to be your girlfriend. For real this time. I actually screamed. My dad woke up from it. I told him I saw a spider. I remember how you said it took you so long to ask me because you weren't sure if I was ready for something like this. But the thing was. I was more than ready. Everyday I would text you to make sure you were ok if you didn't come to school. You rarely responded. I would but you candy on the second of January and February. You often posted to your story and then left it be. It was 7:45 when you asked me. But. You didn't even notice. I kept the wristband from skating and you tossed yours in the trash. I remember my cousin asking me about you whenever I seemed out of the usual. I was either so excited I couldn't breath. Or so sad I couldn't stop crying. You asked me if I was ready for a relationship. But you were the one who would constantly say "sorry my phone died". You had a charger. 3 days is a bit excessive. I remember how hard I cried when I broke up with you. Because I knew I still wanted to stroke your hair and keep your pictures as my phone background and be able to genuinely say I loved someone. You were the person I cared about most. I was so scared. And then. You asked me to delete all my pictures of you. And you deleted your Instagram. And had all your friends unfollow and block me. And you stopped texting my number. And you made a new account. And had all the most important people follow you. And hoped I wouldn't find your account. Because I was the one you didn't ask to follow you. You came back to school a while later. "I missed you so much" you said. You came to hug me. And I sat there. Motionless. "You could've texted me." I don't think you know how much I genuinely think I turned how much I believed I loved you into so much hate and disgust of you. You had the nerve to say you missed me after the length you went through to avoid me. So. Yes. You suck ass. I would much prefer if I never met you. I heard you decided as gay as you were that you were actually ace because my friend wanted to be with you and you didn't want them. Maybe you should've realized you didn't want love before you met me. So I wouldn't get hurt. So I would've cried for 2 weeks straight because I had to leave you so I wouldn't have to worry about if you were ok or if I did something wrong because you wouldn't text me. I remember Valentine's Day I used my ebt money provided for me because we couldn't afford our own food so the government wanted to help us I used that money to buy you chocolates and a heart shaped sucker bouquet. I remember on Valentine's Day I cried and ate your chocolates because ik you weren't going to be around me anytime soon. I wasn't wrong. I didn't see you until late March. I remember a week later my best friend came from two hours away and I asked you to come meet them. "I can't". I remember I broke up with you later that week. I remember before that. Leading up to it. We ate all of the suckers I bought for you. I remember the pocky I shoved in the back of my mini fridge in the basement so it wouldn't melt waiting for you. I remember how much I bought. For you. I ate nearly 10 boxes of pocky that week. I remember crying for hours on end. You've messed everything up. I've turned down 4 people asking me to date them now. Because I no longer believe im ready for a relationship. Because if you weren't. They won't be. I'll get hurt again. I'll cry for hours again. In fact I'm crying now thinking of how much you hurt me. I remember going to counseling for my mom and thinking about how little she hurt me compared to how much you hurt me but not being able to talk about it because it was supposed to heal me from my moms mistakes. And to think. I nearly gave up my first kiss to you of all people that night. Horrifies me. So fuck you. For all that you've ruined of me. My ability to love anyone else. My ability to trust that someone means the words "I love you". My ability to think I genuinely was as beautiful as you told me I was. My ability to think that regardless of what I said or did that someone would love me. So. I hope you were smiling your way through the break up. Because regardless of who you are. No one deserves to go through the same shit you put me through.
